A young woman in Virginia who’s training to be a dominatrix blind-emailed me the other day asking for my advice on acquiring certain skill sets. She said she wanted to cultivate her “Bitch Goddess persona” and I replied that “personas” aren’t really a part of my play dynamic. “My focus is on bondage, corporal, and edge play in a vanilla/kink integrated environment,” I explained.
It was a reactive response but it’s kinda sticking with me a little bit as I contemplate its truth.
I did an overnight session recently. I wired and plugged him with a combination of remote controlled devices and then escorted him to dinner (at Craft, home of my favorite gnocchi, plus a yummy 2000 Carema Riserva which I can’t seem to find retail. Sorry. Food makes me digress. Where was I?)
Oh. Yes. Man. Devices. Dinner.
I’m dominating at the dinner table. I know what I like, what I want. I know how to work a menu, know enough about wine to make informed choices. It’s a comfortable milieu for me and I just naturally take charge, so much so the waiter stops addressing him entirely. Add a few well timed flicks of the remote and … it’s a scene in itself.
After dinner we returned to the studio and played for a few hours before I slid his cock into the CB-3000 with points of intrigue, slipped him into the sleep sack, and locked him in the cage for the night. In the morning, I repeated myself yet again (I’m just loving the chair/plug combo. What can I say?) this time putting him in my Fetters straitjacket before plugging and strapping him to the wide chair. I made breakfast: eggs over easy for him, scrambled for me, artisanal BMOC bacon, cider muffins from Craft, coffee, OJ. Then I fed him.
I loved the perversion of the classic ‘morning after’ scenario kinked waaaaaay out. It’s a recurring theme in my scenes. It’s what drives my Orleans Experience: the idea that “everything seems so natural, so normal … until you find yourself bound with your knees in your ears.” There’s no artifice. No roleplay. No struggling to suspend disbelief.
It’s just life, styled with kink.
*****
Part II
*****
A scene acquaintance and former client sent me an email that said, in part, “I get the impression that it’s moving more into lifestyle with ___? If so, congratulations!”
In my reply, I bristled, “Why would moving to a ‘lifestyle’ scenario merit applause? Is there a hierarchy where ‘lifestyle’ relationships are somehow more valuable than professional ones?” I’ve witnessed more dysfunction and disillusionment — on both sides of the whip — come from “lifestyle” relationships (particularly between lifestyle ProDommes and clients-turned-‘personal slaves’) than I ever have between professional Dominas and their clients. While I can get behind the argument that in a lifestyle relationship, the rewards are well worth the pain, my experience is that a professional relationship can not only be healthier but also just as meaningful and fulfilling.
Most of the women that I choose to associate closely with professionally manage their practice in a way that transcends the commercial professional session. We don’t call it lifestyle, per se. More like a “lifestyle experience.”We don’t hide behind scene personas or maintain some impenetrable wall between ourselves and our clients. We share meals with them. Attend events (opera, ballet, movies). I’ve ridden bikes with my clients, had picnics, gone to concerts and plays as part of our (professional) relationship.
What I love about experiences like these is that it adds a level of dimension to our play that strengthens our trust and our connection. I don’t leave my personality, my essential self, including my imperfections, behind so that I can be a fantasy provider. If a man wants to be my client, I ask him to bring me his whole self. Why should he not expect the same from me?
It’s a pretty remarkable, ‘congratulations’-meriting thing to have a fulfilling, meaningful professional relationship that works, in my opinion. Just because these activities happen in the context of a professional session doesn’t make them any less valid or personal. A lot of it is about intention. When a client gives me Tribute, he should not ever feel he’s paying me to spend time with him. You can’t buy that from me. His Tribute, as I see it, is simply why it’s possible for me to choose who I spend my time with, what I decide to do with him, and where and how.
Do I play personally/non-professionally/”lifestyle”? Of course I do. But I don’t think of those relationships as any better, purer, or more authentic than what I do with my clients. At the same time, my clients relish having a multi-dimensional relationship with me that transcends the typical professional session yet respects their boundaries, needs, and expectations.
To us, I say a heartfelt “Congratulations!”
Miss Troy,
I know you have dimished your involvement on MF, but what you have to say here is so valuable; so important to the growth of this community that I wish you would consider adding it there. It’s what the Lobby should be about.
Yours,
Whizzer
Thanks, whizzer. I linked to it on MF but I really wrote this for my blog.
Couldn’t agree more. A world-class Domme doesn’t “do a job”, as opposed to life-style play. She does not have persona(s) as opposed to identity. Money only keeps her housed, fed and clothed while she goes about doing what her personality pushes her to do: dominate.
Which is why, to make matters simple, it is not the length of the list of things she does that signals the great Domme. It is the length of the list of things she doesn’t (won’t) do.
Philber, I genuinely value your perspective on the scene — and not just because you say nice things about me sometimes, or because I tend to agree with you.
It means a lot to me that I’m able to do this — be a dominant — on my own terms. That I can decide which labels I want to embrace or reject, that my desire — not his — is what ultimately drives my scenes. Having that prerogative, feeling that control ultimately makes me quite accommodating and generous, oddly enough.
I say nice things about you “sometimes”? Sometimes? When am I not saying nice things about you? When I am asleep, eating, or gagged!
From WolfKnight:
Miss Orleans, I apologize, as I did in email, for my ill considered and presumptuous remarks. I was taken aback to see that you took the discussion to this venue, but maybe the topic is worth public discussion.
I suggest we drop the word “lifestyle”. That doesn’t really convey much, and I shouldn’t have used it. “Professional” and “personal” are better. Neither is an absolute. All relationships have some element of the personal, many personal relationships have some element of the professional. We are dealing with a continuum.
As you point out, personal relationships have more rewards, but also more risks. Each of us makes our own decision as to what part of the continuum we choose to occupy. The end of my personal D/s relationship was one of the most devastating things that has ever happened to me, but the relationship, while it lasted, brought great riches to my life. I’m sure I will have professional sessions in the future, and I’m sure there will be some element of personal involvement in them. But I gravitate towards personal D/s involvement, despite the painful end to which my first such relationship came. To me, at any rate, there is a greater level of role playing in a professional relationship, and this is not a role to me.
You see things differently. My remark in email presumed that my personal preferences are universal, which they are not. There is every reason for congratulations for a professional relationship in which things work as well as they clearly are working for you. Please accept my congratulations for the great success of your professional career and for the way you are able to balance the personal and the professional in your relationships. You are to be commended for the balance you have found.
WolfKnight,
Your apology was appreciated and accepted: though your comment inspired this post, it’s not really about you. I hope you don’t feel my exploration of the subject here as some sort of breach. As a practicing professional dominant, I’m constantly evaluating my own experiences and thinking about where I stand with them. There’s such a challenge in figuring out what feels right for me and following it, rather than just doing “what’s done” or basing my practice on my clients’ expectations.
It’s not a role to me, either. And while some players prefer to play a part, I — and the clients who fit me best — see this as part of a continuum of our selves as well.
Thanks for your comments. It’s always a pleasure to exchange ideas with you.