One of my Domme friends texted me the other day: “Have you read Bitchy Jones? Are there any dominas out there who are writing like that from the pro-perspective?” (The trained journalist in me demands that I say that was the gist of her text, not a direct quote, despite the marks.)
There have been plenty of times I’ve wanted to respond to some of Beej’s main arguments (conveniently, she’s outlined them here), but I thought that to do so would be a little TOO insider-y and self-indulgent. This is, after all, my professional blog and I expect that you come here to get a sense of my personality, interests, and perhaps what my sessions are like.
But, I dunno. Are you at all interested in hearing about my personal philosophies about (pro)domination? What would you like to read more of? Do you enjoy the ruminative topical posts such as the one about Spitzer or the Nutcracker incident? Or should I reserve that kind of writing for a personal blog and mostly stick to tempting morsels where I talk about scenes I’ve done?
And don’t give me the “It’s your blog, Mistress, write whatever you want!” That goes without saying. I do. I will. I’m not asking for your permission. I’m asking because I want to know. Really.
So tell me. Thanks.
Do you enjoy the ruminative topical posts such as the one about Spitzer or the Nutcracker incident? Or should I reserve that kind of writing for a personal blog and mostly stick to tempting morsels where I talk about scenes I’ve done?
I’d like to read both – they provide a vivid glimpse into your life and how you are changing/growing as a Domme. Your post on M/F “My body. My choices” is an excellent example of that.
I’m not really sure how relevant are comparisons with Bitchy Jones. Domination is not her business, so she has nothing at stake. If anything, I’d say it is she who is way too self-indulgent.
So, if I had a vote, I’d ask for more about your “personality, interests, and … what [your] sessions are like” and things you like to do.
Cyka.
I dunno, Bitchy Jones is pretty big game. I’ve read what she says and it makes sense to me. Count me as one of those who thought going to a pro-domme was BDSM until I started reading her blog. Now, as a masochist, I look on it sort of like a mountaineer would consider watching an IMAX movie about Mt. Everest, a bit of a thrill, but completely without any risk. Maybe I’ve become a Bitchy-Jonesian?
That said, the piece you wrote about the ruined orgasm was one of the best I’ve read. It rattled around in my brain for a couple days…then I had to go back and re-read it..and then re-read it again. Ole Bitchy can’t top that!
Yes!
More! More! More!
Well, the real question is if you want to start a personal blog or not and keep all of that separate. There are far too few blogs out there that cover things outside the scene.
While I enjoy reading about the scenes you’ve enjoyed, I’d also like to read the things in between the scenes or your thoughts/feelings on a wide variety of subjects or how they make you feel. Whatever floats your boat.
It really comes down to if you want keep the personal and the business separate or not.
The thing that gets me about Beej is that there aren’t many of us — i.e. professional dominants — proving her wrong or at the very least offering some kind of counter argument. But we DO exist: women who get paid for the experiences we provide and happen to do so without all the cliche dominatrix trappings.
I agree that forced feminization is awful in most contexts and, for precisely that reason, is not a scene I offer. Strapon play isn’t on my menu either: on demand, it’s boring, often messy, and way too service oriented for my tastes. I DON’T think — and I’d hazard my clients don’t either — that because they’re paying, they’re in charge. If a guy asks me for something I don’t want to do, I don’t do it…even if he says he’ll pay me for it. You especially can’t even pay for access to my body or to my bodily functions on demand.
Being a pro for me isn’t about “being wanted and adored” … it’s about being able to have a steady stream of really great men to play with and do whatever I want to with and I don’t have to go looking for them. They come to me. Hallelujah!
I do believe there are lots of dominant women in the world … but I don’t just blame the pros for thwarting them. Have you been to Paddles on a Saturday night? Less than 10% of my clients have ever set foot in a fetish club/party, but if I could find the one my men would go to instead of the unkempt, unwashed, socially awkward lifestylers I typically see at Paddles, etc. then I never would have had a need to go pro in the first place.
I don’t dress up for my pro sessions, I don’t have some endless list of menu items, I turn down flat 70% of the people who contact me for sessions, I get turned on when I play, I’m engaged, intimate, I care. I demand my clients be men first, that they come strong and as all the man they are because that is a surrender I can give a damn about. Honestly, I think I’m a pro dominant (look, I don’t even call myself a dominatrix!) that Bitchy would be proud of but she’s so high up on her fucking horse (or just so high on fucking her stable) that she’d never even acknowledge that not only do I exist … but I’m not the only one like me either.
/rant
Axe,
I actually think it’d be hypocritical of me to compartmentalize and start a separate and/or anonymous blog. I mean, if I can ask my clients to bring me their whole selves and trust I’ll embrace them for it, then why shouldn’t I speak my whole mind and heart and trust they’ll embrace me as well?
Sigh. Maybe that’s why I’m not a sub. 😉
Cyka,
I’ve thought about reposting “My Body. My Choices.” here. Seems there’s just other stuff to talk about. And it’s so damn LONG! Can one embed links in comments?
You should be you. The whole you. Un-compartmentalized, if that’s a word. You’re a (whip-)smart woman whose ruminations are worth reading. Sane, thoughtful, clear-headed, wild.
B. J., on the other hand, is kind of a fascinating nutcase–glad her self-conceptualization works for her, but boy does she have to get her knickers twisted to explain herself to herself. She whines–you soar.
But keep the morsels, too….
Miss Orleans,
Here’s the link: Max Fisch – My Body, My Choices.
I don’t really get why Bitchy Jones is the de facto standard of what a “dominant woman” is. She is just one person, writing about “fucking her stable.” Why not just live and let live?
As far as “Paddles on a Saturday Night” go, I agree. As a comparison, there is a Club R.U.B. in London that does have a monthly party that I bet most of your clients and Domme friends would love to go to…
But “then [you] never would have had a need to go pro in the first place. ”
OK – scratch that idea :).
Cyka
I’ve got to take Bitchy Jones’ side in this argument. Looking at your web-site, you aren’t the garden variety cooker-cutter Domme, but for 90% of Dommes, she has hit the nail on the head. Pro Domination is largely an asexual activity. It seems to me a lot of Dommes are subs in real life who are in mucho trouble with their Top if they have sex with a client; some are lesbians, who aren’t interested in sex; and some are in relationships and won’t have sex. Those who do enjoy a little sexual dalliance with clients learn pretty quick the money is a whole helluva lot better as an escort and move on. I imagine my experience is typical. One of the first times I had a pro-session, I asked (very naively) the Domme if she was going to orgasm. She gave me that look like I had offered the ultimate insult. End of session. I never asked that question again. In another early experience, I tried to set up a session that the Domme would enjoy. I got an email back that said, in effect, “Buster, quit fucking wasting my time.” So now, when I have some kink I want to explore, I contact a Domme who looks the part of the Goddess, and if she isn’t interested, work my way down the list on maxfisch. Usually, you don’t have to contact too many to line a domme up. I get what I want and she gets paid. That is what a free economy is all about. Her sexual needs aren’t in the equation.
You are right that most “real life” Female Dommes are 45, 200+ pounds with glasses from the
1980s. The choice between a pro domme session and a long term relationship is sort of like whether you want caviar for an hour or hamburger for a month.
Miss Orleans,
I only skimmed some of what you linked to for Beej. I’d be interested in reading her stuff in more depth when I get the chance.
I do wish you would write here a bit more often and share more of your thoughts and insights into this kinky world.
Part Two of your entry on Lifestyle in Two Parts remains one of the best descriptions of your style and beliefs I have ever read (As for Part One, that lucky guy must have been in one special place.) The way you weave your personal life into your Lifestyle and then share it with us gives us the gift of glimpsing just a bit more of how our lives might have turned out.
The photos of your handiwork also can’t be beat.
I truly hope you’ll continue to share so much of yourself with all of us.
Yours,
Whizzer
I do not think that BJ is a dominant. I do not think that BJ is a woman. And it really does not matter to me. Whatever BJ’s blog might have been worth has disappeared over the term of the blog.
It has devolved the same way that the news media has. It is all about attention and shock. BJ is just another sanctimonious attention whore.
Your blog, is yours. When faced with a tough decision, I trust my gut. It is almost always correct.
In my profession I do not tell a client what I think all of the time. It would not be good for business. I do not know any professional who can do that and maintain a business.
It would be akin to throwing your cards on the table before you bet. I would not expect anyone worth their salt to be that naive.
i would like to see some more pictures of your work.i would like to read the knowledge that you apply while you work on your slave like sounds or piercing.what you think and which moment and movement of your slave gives you pleasure and by what way you get pleasure.when you get pleasure by slave’s discomfortand then you increase the intensity of your pain till what level, when you say there is no safeword.
I like the mix. I’m just discovering the breadth of your intellect, humor, insight and for-realness. I don’t think you should leave any of you out. As for Bitchy Jones, I read some of her stuff and was moved to write her. Never heard back … and yet one compliment to you on the Max board and you immediately wrote me, effortlessly quoting the second line of my “location”. You are the kaleidoscopic embodiment of the city you love. I like it all … so my vote is to let it ride!!
Louie,
It’s fine if you want to side with BJ. I do too, cause I’ve met a lot of women in this business that personify everything she’s railing against. Those approaches don’t work for me and they’re not why I’m here, but part of why those women exist is cause there’s a client base for them.
But I gotta side with me and the women she’s NOT really speaking to. Because there aren’t enough of us out here … at least not enough who are making as much noise as she or any of the dominatrix cliches. Fortunately, there are clients who fit my kind of “domme” too.
That said, I think it’s not that hard to find the ones who are invested and engaged in their scenes. If I may throw some stereotypes rightbackatcha, there are a lot of clients out there whose primary criterion for choosing a Domme is how hot she looks. There are guys who think that because we’re sex workers, we should de facto want to service them sexually (this includes hand jobs) or share ourselves sexually with them (this includes orgasming in their presence, with or without their involvement) and if we don’t then we must not really be “into it.”
But as I tell my clients all the time: You can masturbate/orgasm at home. What we are able to do here, together, is unique. It’s not that my “sexual needs” aren’t in the equation, it’s that the numbers I use add up to more than O.
Whizzer, I’m working on writing more here. I am. If you’ve got some specific suggestions on stuff you’d like me to write about, please feel free to share.
Anonymous (the one who thinks BJ is not dominant): Whoa, cowboy. First of all, I know enough people who’ve met and/or talked with Bitchy Jones to feel pretty sure she is who she says, including female. Maybe I’m a jaded domme … but I don’t find her particularly shocking. I see your point about keeping one’s own counsel and not putting ALL your business on the street. I don’t think I was suggesting that’s what I was thinking. I think I have a pretty good grasp on what’s appropriate and what is not.
Anonymous (the one who wants more pics and a glimpse into what I’m thinking): I love posting pictures and try to include them when I can. Your feedback about getting to know a little better what’s going on inside my head is a good one — in fact, a few have suggested it — so expect more of that down the road. Thanks for your feedback.
Advochasty, Thanks for the kind words. As for letting it ride … while I have a lousy poker face, I have been thinking of putting together a small ante, kink-friendly poker night at my studio sometime. There are a few interested. Do you play?
Anyone else who might be up for a friendly game of Hold ‘Em, send me an email.
Poker?
I should warn you, I know all the words to “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.
Not trying to scare you. I’m just sayin’.
Hold ’em … hmmmm … do you accept novices. I’m happy to be taken advantage of 🙂
Write it girl. Write what you want to see written in the world. Write what you know. Write. Read. Engage in intellectual activities that utilize language. Boy, there is not enough of that here in LA.
Oh and as for as the Bitch Jones discussion goes — you all know you are giving her exactly what she wants, right? She gets everyone all fired up and willing to debate the situation. The internet is so silly! lol
Widow Centauri
http://www,widowcentauri.wordpress.com
http://www.myspace.com/widowcentauri