Since my tetchy computer has me all cranky and anti-email at the moment (posting blogs is much easier) a word to the wise:
When you visit a professional domina(trix) — any one, not just me — and you present your Tribute, please have it in an envelope. If you do not have access to an envelope prior to your appointment, make sure to place it in a Tribute box, if one is provided. If your Domina does not have a specific place for you to place your Tribute, you should, at the very least, have the correct amount counted out in advance to hand to her with your apologies for not having “wrapped” your gift appropriately.
Few things shave weeks off my career like watching a client fumblingly count through a clutch of twenties in front of me (who are you? Bob Barker?) or seeing a wad of bills left on my cocktail table, like I’m some … Waitress.
I don’t want to come across all Emily Poster Than Thou about this but…
We are reaping the dubious rewards of the casualization of American Society. Formality and etiquette are seemingly things of the past. Money in a wad, not counted before hand, guys sitting naked on your sofa when you enter the room their unwashed crotches co-mingling with the nap of your upholstery, all sorts of prodomme protocol gaffes, not to mention all sorts of sad inability to do the right thing such as getting up and giving an old or pregnant lady a seat on a bus or a subway, all these things and more are the bitter harvest of casual day at the office gone horribly wrong.
Gallantry and chivalry may be on life support at the moment but these values have not gone totally flat line..not yet, at least.
Money in an envelope is a simple but meaningful thing.
You are very funny when on a rant.
You know my whacky, twisted mind; may I suggest the next time it happens, you push said person to the floor, put the money in his mouth and then flood said mouth.
When you’re done, tell him to take his money and come back when he’s learned how to tribute respectfully.
Can’t see any downside for either of you… he may even learn something in the process! Maybe.
Hmmmm… this sounds sorta fun to play out. 😉
@garrett
Oh, please do. I’m a big fan of good manners. One of the many things that attracted me to “femdom” was that it gave me a structure to participate in the elegant waltz of etiquette and social grace. (Not that I don’t miss my share of opportunities to be a lady.)
The bare ass on my furniture thing is also inexcusable. On par with undressing without being instructed to. And not washing your hands before session. Or dinner. And being a guest who drinks my wine but never brings any when he comes. Oh, and please offer to help clean: I will almost always tell you no, but don’t make me feel like your maid. Or your mother.
I was debating whether or not to post this little rant because, well, it just seemed so bitchy and I do like to veer towards positivity whenever possible. But lately I’ve been looking really hard at my business and what works and what doesn’t and getting rid of the things (and people) that make my doing this harder than it ought to be and I’d been telling someone earlier that day about a recent nadir involving an impolite money wad (the rest of the details are too painful to relive here)… and then MVX told me she thought the Barker line was “awesome” so. Whoop. There it is.
@peter k
I’ve been trying to figure out what my response would be the next time I’m confronted with a bill counter or table wad. You know I take myself far too seriously to think of something fun like your suggestion. I was thinking a disapproving look would suffice.
|Not to be a kill joy, but I have to say I like to leave the money out, or better yet, to hand it to the Domme. In my mind it serves two purposes. It reminds both parties involved that this is a financial transaction. No more, no less. Second, it helps to re-enforce in both the balance of power. In a personal BDSM relationship, its the top who is calling the shots. But, in a session with a pro-domme, its really the consumer (and his cash) who is in control. The act of paying makes sure neither party lets the lines of demarcation between a pro-session and a personal bdsm relationship blur.
I encourage you to get rid of people and things that make life and business harder than they should be.
You can cull the pests, especially the ones who want to make damn well sure that a wad of cold, hard cash passed from a sweaty palm to a dainty hand insures that you understand that you are a provider, “no more, no less”, and that the Mason Dixon line dividing professional from personal is clearly and definitively delineated on the buyer’s terms rather than yours.
Call it culling, cleaning out you closet. Call it avoiding passive aggression. Call it simplifying. It’s all very positive.
Tsk,tsk tsk, Garrett. What’s with your comment: “a wad of cold, hard cash passed from a sweaty palm to a dainty hand”? You know very well I’ve never handed you money, so please don’t put on airs!
With due respect..
Actually, this is IMHO the right way to start this post, even if it makes me the odd one out. ‘Cause it seems to me, it is not the envelope which is missing in such cases, but the respect.
What matters more is, as far as I can see, not what one does, but how one does it. There are ways to give the Domme an envelope which stills makes her feel upset, and other ways in which to hand over bills in a graceful manner. The underlying respect, courtesy, consideration, discretion, elegance, politeness, timeliness, manners (or lack of) is what feels good or not. An envelope is a mere piece of paper. It cannot in and of itself replace all of the above. Formality without the underlying values remains an empty shell.
Which reminds me of a gorgeous movie on this subject. Try Merchant and Ivory’s “remains of the day” with a fantastic Anthony Hopkins performance as a butler. And a quote from Bob Hoskins in Wayne Wang’s “maid in Manhattan”: “that we serve them does not make us their servants…
It is just another reflection on the sad way that our society dismisses common courtesy as unnecessary and unimportant.
Which makes it all the more wonderful when you find someone who appreciates and understands the importance of class and culture.
@LMPest,
Well, it seems like your sessions won’t ever amount to much more than a “financial transaction” then. That’s not how I approach my practice.
@garrett
One of the things that’s been a paramount guideline for my business is that I am never dependent on any one (or two or four) clients. So whenever a client brings me more angst than joy as a play partner, I let him go. I always want my client to feel like he’s with me because I want him to be, not because I’m dependent on his money — or his scene, for that matter. I’ve got some really great guys … so it’s so far, so true.
@aarkey,
It really is the small touches that make the big differences.
Ironically, I find those more modest in class to be far more generous and well-mannered than the very affluent. (The inspiration for this post, in fact, was a wealthy man with nice shoes.)
I have a funny story to tell you about class and manners … but I can’t do it here. Ask me next time we talk. Snicker.
@philber,
You’re correct (welcome back, btw, you’ve been missed around here) though in lieu of innate grace, tact, and sensibility, an envelope is a pretty good shortcut. But I get your point.
I read “Remains of the Day” (Ishiguro is a beautiful writer) and later saw the movie, though it’s been a while for both. I should revisit. Thanks for your reply.
“access to an envelope”….lovely…
Of course, envelopes are exceedingly rare nowadays. Especially in New York City, that barren and ill-provided prairie outpost devoid of any drugstores, banks, post offices, office-supply stores, stationery counters….
And Lord knows that within the featureless wilderness, Studio d’Orleans is located at vast distances from any conceivable envelope purveyors. What privations a pilgrim must endure!
I kinda like the….ahhh..never mind, not messing with you today! anyway Bob Barker pretty funny.
Miss Troy, perceptive comment on not allowing your cash flow to be ” dependent on any one (or two or four) clients.” With my background in business, I’m always amazed at how little business sense most Dommes have. Read Maxfisch and its post after post about time wasted by Dommes with wankers. Yet once you come in and put your cash down (in an unmarked envelope, of course ) few make much of an effort to make you a repeat costumer and instead dive back into the “wanker pool.” Anybody else who ran a business that way would be out of work pretty quick. If you build up that stable of 10 or so repeat costumers who will pay for 3 or 4 hours of time a month and the rest is gravy.
I session with a couple of Dommes who I know fall into the 2 or 4client category. Towards the end of the month you start getting those phone calls. Not asking you to come in, of course, but just letting you know they are around. Its sort of like the girl at the high school dance who wants you to ask her to dance.
@ Pest:
Someone once told me that clients get the Mistresses they deserve. And vice versa.
It’s too bad your participation in professional domination has led you to these opinions and conclusions you’ve expressed; I don’t see any of those negative things in my own professional experience.