I often find myself challenging a lot of what’s considered “dominant” behavior. I rarely kit up in fetish clothes (ironically, most of that ‘trixy gear is so demanding to wear, I end up feeling like I’m submitting to it). I’ll sit on the floor at his feet while I tell him all the tortureful things I’m going to do to him. I’ll get on my knees while I’m whipping him or, even better, tying up his cock and balls (I l-o-v-e the mindfuck of kneeling in front of a man, my face inches from his cock, as I inflict pain on it. Sometimes I’ll even look up at him and open my mouth suggestively, tauntingly just to make it worse.) After I’ve taken him out of bondage, I’ll give him a nice backrub.
See, there’s no question in my mind that I’m the dominant. That I’m in control. I know what it may look like, but that ain’t what it IS. I revel in that contradiction. There’s such space there.
I see so many Mistresses get so hemmed in by the dominatrix conventions, they think wearing pink is a subversive act. That was one of the reasons I initially swooned over Bitchy Jones: she was one of the few women I saw who intelligently asked “Why?” about a lot of these behavioral codes. (One might argue BJ’s finding her position a tighter corset than she anticipated at this point, but that’s another post.)
Really. Why does wearing fake patent leather six inch platform shoes make a woman dominant? If a man’s fantasy is to be led around on a leash and he pays a woman to do that, why is that power exchange? Why does groveling, mewly voiced will-lessness equal submission? Why does sneering, stentorian edict throwing equal dominance?
Well, I know why. It’s because that’s what the porn tells us. But porn is caricature. It’s fantasy. It’s not real. It’s like, back when I was writing professionally, my life occasionally resembled Carrie’s from Sex and the City even though it wasn’t until I became a professional Domme that I actually could afford a pair of Manolos. What we see isn’t really what we get. Maybe there’s some benefit to looking at what’s actually in front of you and figuring out what about it genuinely works for you and what ultimately doesn’t matter.
*****
One of my readers asked me privately recently if I noticed that I’d been getting fewer comments on my blog lately and why that might be. His theory was that perhaps folks were turned off my by my “Whence Kinky?” post and comments. He suggested that perhaps I was “too honest” and that I may have bruised a couple of imaginations with my ruminations on the provenance of my kink.
I replied that not just this blog, but my practice as a professional dominant itself is about my own pathfinding in dominance and BDSM. “I’m pretty honest about who I am and why I’m here and what I want out of this. In a way, I’m as demanding as a client,” I said. “So I kinda have a ‘fuck you’ attitude to whomever’s gonna be such a bitchy li’l prima donna about their kink identity as to get sniffy that I’m exploring mine. “
I then reminded him that is IS August. Who’s around to read this stuff anyway?
I love the honesty of your blog. The matter-of-fact style and content is what makes it interesting to read.
how much is a fantasy of what the Domme should look like and how much is paraphilia attached to a fetish? There is always a strong association for me with domination and leather, because quite simply at a young age I developed an association between a strong female member of our family and the kid-soft leather gloves she wore. At the age of 7, living in the UK I suspect I was not exposed to a lot of pornography that iconised that image! But, 40 years later, I want to submit to a leather clad dominatrix because that is the way, over the years, my fetish has grown. It is nothing to do with porn in any way. Indeed, I would say I have no attraction to BDSM porn in that respect, rather wanting to do it than watch it.
MTO,
Well, I’m here – now. I have been away a fair amount this month.
I can’t blame the guys who are in bondage to the concept of a hot domme decked out in stiletto heels, wielding the whip and brandishing the stern look. Hell, I’m a sucker for a hot looking domme, but, then again, I’m a sucker for a hot looking vanilla woman who is all decked out (but that’s another story).
However, I do wonder whether the needs of the sub come from his DNA or are part of a learned response! For a long time, well before I started my BDSM exploration, I died for “that look”. That continued during my early days in this world. I would have sworn that my need for that part of the scene was in my DNA – along with the rest of my kink desires.
Then I learned better. I started playing with you. The trappings of the leather and latex look were nothing other than my conditioned response to what the world had told me was a big part of the BDSM scene. Strip that away and I got to the core of my BDSM desires – or at least we’re still working on getting me there.
Now you know that I think you look awesome when you choose (for yourself!) to “kit up in fetish clothes”, or open the door in your simple black cotton jumper. I won’t even bother to retell my story about the pink crocs!!
So I do think that the fetish for some guys is the look; the dress; the boots (ah, Nancy Sinatra singing “These Boots Are Made For Walking” – a wonderful memory!); the painted nails. Whatever. But if that’s their driving force they better know that it’s not a fetish you are going to respond to very much. Except to drill down further to the core of their kink.
As for exploring your kink while the two of you are in session – I thought that was the whole point! I know I’m still learning here, but please tell me what is that I’m missing!!!
Yours,
Whizzer
MTO,
After meeting you, I felt like maybe I had this whole Strict Mistress thing wrong and realized how about I meet some lifestyle people or humane mistresses.
From what I’ve seen a lot of BDSM is based on fetish, some people love rope, rubber, and leather based on conditioned acceptance or because like you said that’s what the porn says. Usually though I think people end up actually enjoying that fetish and honestly do like it.
In terms of dominance I’ve found a mixture as I enjoy the bitch goddess just about as much as I enjoy a lady like yourself who you can talk to about kinky things in life or even talk in session, which doesn’t really happen with mean mistresses. I feel like I could bring up something irrelevant to BDSM and you’d be fine on expanding that topic as you know more about me than any other mistress.
With some other mistresses the dominanting prescence is so strong that I just feel like shutting up, which is why I’m such a quiet player, because the first lady I met is probably one of the scariest women in the world due to her size, made me quite meek and I’m prone to that in a session, though I can internally feel that I love being at ease with a Mistress as well.
I think that’s why you are more genuine than most people I’ve met. (In or out of the scene).
You’re confident enough to know that it doesn’t matter what the position is, you’re still on top.
And that’s a bigger turn-on than the “bitch goddess” Hoodman mentioned.
For me anyway.
Yeah, but isn’t there something about August. For me, August is the month to really throw caution to the wind. It’s hot, it’s summer’s last gasp, and the city is an empty playground. A debauched playground, no?
I thought your “Whence Kinky” post touched a real nerve. It spoke to where one’s kink comes from. Like you said, it doesn’t come from stuff. I like my stuff as much as the next perv, but it’s more about essence. Who is she really? Who am I with her?
For me, I just love the dichotomy of her sweetness and her throwin’ salt on my wounds with a smile. Nah, you got it goin’ on, MTO. You got it goin’ on.
“If a man’s fantasy is to be led around on a leash and he pays a woman to do that, why is that power exchange?”
Beautifully and eloquently put. That’s not (in my humble opinion) power exchange, its someone living out their submissive fantasies and (as we’ve discussed before) its almost (in fact it is) “topping from the bottom”. Nothing wrong with that however. A professional providing a service for the client. It is what it is. It’s a business.
It’s not the service you choose to provide because you seek ‘realness’ in your encounters and you’re not prepared to compromise for the sake of hard cash. What was the expression you used? Ah yes, “Come strong or don’t come at all”. I love that expression. It takes strength to submit if you’re not a natural submissive, and in the act of allowing oneself to submit one gives total trust to the dominant to manage that gift. The gift that the dominant gives in return is the sane management of the scene and the giving of herself to it as equally as the one who is submitting.
Or maybe I’m just a dreamer ha-ha
This is common in ‘private play’. Your uniqueness is that you make that commitment to ‘professional play’. Very rare. Very rare indeed.
Seems to be working for you
pretty well so far don’t you think?
STS
Ms. Troy,
I just wanted to say that I think your description of being dominant is as perfect a one as I have ever come across. I love fetish gear, who doesn’t?…but the ability to top does not come from the clothes. While there was once a time in my life where I felt that the outfits were ever so imporatant, I have come to truly appriciate the seductive lure of a cotton sundress and a develiish smirk.
Keep on as you are, you seem perfect from where I read!
Thomas
@everybody:
Welcome new readers! Glad to have you here … maybe you can bump up my comment counter so my other readers don’t think my blog’s been deserted! 🙂
@electronic doll:
Why thank you! I’m probably too honest at times. I’ve got an overdeveloped sense of transparency. But I figure the folks who ought to get me, do. I’m happy about that.
@MAS:
You bring up a good point. I tend not to think too much about the traditional fetishists/paraphiliacs. If you’ve got a particular thing for a particular thing, then that’s that. What I take issue with is the man who says he wants to submit to a dominant woman when it’s not about the woman at all. If you’re submitting to the fetish, great. But don’t say it’s all about me when I’m meaningless to you without all the paraphernalia.
@Whizzer
Again, if it’s about the look, great, but both the client and the Domme need to honest and clear eyed about that. I know some GREAT Dommes who LOVE fulfilling that fetish fantasy. But getting your fetish fantasy fulfilled is not the same as submitting to a dominant woman, in my book at least. I try to make it clear that I make that distinction in my practice so that no one ends up feeling like they got the shit end of the dick stick. Myself included.
@axe
I like to say that I don’t have a persona, I have a personality. It works for some people. Not for everyone. That’s ok. Glad it works for you.
@advo
For some people, like MAS above, kink does come from stuff. If that’s the only place their kink comes from, they’re probably not going to enjoy being my client. But there are LOTS of people out there who’ll make a great match.
I like dichotomy. I love dimension. Thanks for the kind words, babe.
@anon/STS
You can put STS in the Name/URL field if you don’t want to be “Anonymous”
“Topping from the bottom” is a little more substantive than that for me. Clients who direct how they want to be dominated top from the bottom. I had a client who took it upon himself to order a T-shirt that said “MTO’s bitch” among other things and wear it in my presence. THAT was topping from the bottom. There was nothing in that action that I wanted or approved, tacitly or explicitly. Saying, “I like to be led around on a collar and leash” isn’t TFTB unless the client insists on it despite the Dominant’s expressed disinclination for such activity.
As for my desire for “realness” in the service I provide … I’m starting to think that I pretty much approach my sessions the way a client does: I want a connection, someone who’s fun to play with, whose interests match mine. I want him to really see me as a person, not a transaction. Etc.
As for why it works for me: well, first of all, for all the personal, I am professional. This is my business. I take it seriously and try my best to provide experiences of the highest quality. But I also do it honestly, on my own terms, not client desires/expectations. It’s a good combo for me inasmuch as I think it’s sustainable and that there appear to be folks out there who appreciate it.
@Thomas
While the ability to Top doesn’t come from the gear, there are definitely men who cannot bottom without it. So it’s really just a matter of who wants what more, no?
Seems I need to set up a public viewing station from wherever you’re reading from! Thanks for the kind words.
I so love this post and I’m very glad I found your blog! And I love that quote mentioned below…come strong or don’t come at all. I may quote you at some point in my blog, if I may, because to me, as I top, I love the idea of a strong person taking the pain, the submission and matching me in that strength. That’s hot to me.
MTO,
Your blog is addictive, and hardly a day goes by that I don’t check it out.
Don’t think for a moment that you’ve put off any significant number of readers. In fact, the fewer the comments, the more people agree with you.
I, for one, only respond to blogs when I’m stirred to vociferous opposition by some statement the author made, or sometimes where something you wrote triggers such a strong positive response that I can’t resist responding immediately. Otherwise, I’m content to read and enjoy…
I do have a conditioned response to traditional domina gear, and if some day you were to choose to greet me at your door wearing nothing but leather boots and gloves, I think I would come right on the spot, but that’s not the essence of my strong fascination with Troy Orleans that is never far from my thoughts.
Your ability to articulate and share your thoughts the way you do has gone a helluva long way to helping me to understand, and appreciate, my own kink. Knowing that you are still embarked on The Journey has actually become an essential part of my ability to work things out when something in my vanilla life comes into painful conflict with my kinky side.
Don’t change a thing.
“But don’t say it’s all about me when I’m meaningless to you without all the paraphernalia. “
Fully agree and there are times when it is about the submitting the fetish fully. But, there are times when I struggle to disassociate the two as they were always connected – strong female figure with leather.
But, I will concede that I have also experienced some of the most intense moments that have happened at the spur of the moment and we were both in casual clothes to start.
While I actually like the clothes (although, as I have taken to moving around a lot more during scenes, I find that kicking my shoes off/forgoing the waist cincher happens a lot more often these days), I totally agree that one need not stomp about in order to be dominant. Actually, it’s always seemed to me like an out-of-control stance: I’d feel like a giant three year old throwing a mall tantrum.
And I have to say that MTO has proven to me that I was wrong yet again….
Sometimes a
Simple
Sundress
Can be
And is
Simply and
Utterly
Devastating
@goose
Welcome! How’d you find my blog? Glad to have you here! Checked out yours briefly too… good stuff!
Submission* that’s as strong as my dominance? That is so flippin’ hot I could just pop! I’ve experienced it on a few occasions and it’s really just beyond sexy. Such an intense push.
*to be clear: recalcitrance, resistance, passive-aggressiveness, obstinacy, pig-headedness DO NOT equal “submission.” I don’t want to be challenged on the ‘what’ … I want to be challenged on the ‘why’.
@anon
Nice comment. Thank you! (Who are you? Email me if privacy’s more important than anonymity.)
You’ve planted a nice image in my head. One of these days when I’m feeling svelte, perhaps I WILL answer the door in nothing but thigh high boots and shoulder-length leather gloves. (Hm. Need to get the gloves first though…) I don’t know how long — if at all — I could play like that, but it’s certainly worth doing just to see the look on your face.
@mas
Clearly, you’re a fetishistic player and it’s great that you recognize that and can seek your experiences accordingly. I appreciate your acknowledgment that sometimes moments can be powerful without the paraphilia, too.
@miss e
I like the clothes too. On other people. heck, I even like them on me but they’re usually just completely useless for anything besides S/M (standing and modeling). I’m too active…and I’m picky about who gets to rub my feet.
I’m trying to think of where I’ve seen a stompy domme. It’s been a long while. Wonder if I’m being a little careless with my cliches? Hmm.
@marc
You’re just too new to me to know better… Ask the old timers. I’m always right. 😉
@garrett
Indeed. *wink*
I’m so incredibly glad S introduced me to you while I was in Manhattan in August. Seriously.
Your incredibly honest style is reassuring to me in a lot of ways, not least of which the fact that you and a few other Dommes I talk to and read remind me that the porn is not the reality- it’s okay to fumble a bit with the ropes, to gush in pleasure/appreciation when he gives you that particlarly submissive look, even to feel insecure!
More inexperienced Dominants- of both genders!- need to read the writings of women like you. You’re not porn, you’re not the “How to be a GoddessAmazingStrictSuperDommE” books. You’re a real person with real emotions doing real kink. ANd in a community that’s really gotten wrapped up in it’s own PR, we really need more voices like yours.
Thank you.