I got my first email from Easter Bunny (er, not his real name…I’ll explain the nick in a moment) in December, prompted by a PM I’d sent him on Max in response to a post he’d made there. He said he’d been following me for sometime after realizing that I was, like him, a serious bondage enthusiast. “That’s a specialty of mine,” I replied, happily.
We set an appointment for an OE in mid January and traded a few emails in between. He shared details of some of his previous experiences, emphasizing his desire for an inescapable bondage experience, to be helpless to the point of panic.
I couldn’t wait to play with him.
To start his OE, I put him in a couple of undeniably inescapable riggings (anchor point + Clejuso; The Pound with a little extra bondage thrown in for our mutual amusement). In hindsight, I should have just left him in The Pound until he begged to be let out. (Ah, the ever elusive Stillness. Sigh.) At the time, however, I was super high on hogties and eager to get him into a challenging stress position and see if he could escape my ropes.
I trussed him and Twittered his progress. After 30 min or so of struggling, he muttered, “I think you got me.” I win. Terrific. But I’m so enjoying watching him struggle that I take of his blindfold and suggest he keep trying. He does and manages to wriggle out of the leg bondage. He’s standing, looking in the mirror, trying to get out of the chest-arm harness. I give him hints. Eventually he succeeds.
Great. Let’s eat.
At dinner we share stories about lifestyle play, our love of bondage, living in New York. I feel like we’re really connecting on multiple levels and I even start thinking about inviting him to a private play party or suggesting he join me at Shibaricon. Not from a “personal play” place as much as an affinity: bondage lover to bondage lover. He seems to be having a great time too. It’s been about five hours. Maybe six. On our way back to the studio, we’re talking again about inescapable bondage and my eyes get that look/light (if you’ve seen me, you’ve seen it) and I can’t wait to get him back to the studio. I’m bouncing in the back of the cab.
Inside again, I take off his dinner bondage (a biting torso harness of 4mm rope). I start building another body harness, this time made of heavy chains and numerous padlocks. “Try to escape this!” I challenge him, gleefully. He can’t. He’s not crazy about chains, he tells me as I’m unlocking him. I file that information for future reference. I’ve enjoyed playing with him and I’m already thinking about what I’d do with him were we to play again.
As we were saying goodbye, I asked him — as I do everyone I play with — to write a feedback email. “Let me know the parts you enjoyed, parts that didn’t work so much for you, things you’d like to explore if we’re to play again,” went the speech. “Don’t write it tonight or even tomorrow. Give it a day or two to percolate.” He agreed and left.
A few weeks later, I still hadn’t heard from him. I sent a reminder note and a few days later he replied briefly stating only that he thought the session was “pretty good” but he was “somewhat disappointed that the rope bondage wasn’t inescapable. I’m still looking for that truly helpless rope bondage experience.”
Admittedly, his email arrived when I wasn’t in the best of moods but reading it surely didn’t help. After pumping the elliptical machine at the gym so hard, it gave up trying to pace me and would only read out, “Slow down!” I found my breath and thought maybe I should offer him some kind of makeup session, with a wager based on his escape. Then I re-read his “feedback.” I spent more than six hours with this man, poured myself into the scene, and that’s all I get? A “Meh”?! And I gotta beg for even that?
Fuck that.
“Do you even know how rope works?” I steamed back, reminding him that he’d said uncle before I took off the blindfold. It’s not that I couldn’t tie him up so that he couldn’t escape but this was a professional (i.e. safe, sane), first time play for us. He might as well have said he was somewhat disappointed the Easter Bunny didn’t show up.
I lost my cool and took to Twitter to vent.
It wasn’t his criticism that got me so much as his cavalier attitude. “That was a shit reply you gave me,” I fumed. “I put a lot of myself into that scene and you know it.” He responded that there were lots of parts of the session he enjoyed but that I’d asked for feedback and he was “sorry for being honest.”
“Don’t be sorry for being honest,” I answered. “Be sorry for not being gracious in your honesty. […] I can take criticism. I can’t take bad manners and a lack of appreciation. This is important to me too.”
******
Days later and it still echoes. This IS important to me. That’s why I fight so hard to hold that line of what I expect from my play partners. That’s why I get a little offended any time a former play partner suggests I might not remember him. (Without a face, it may take a jog or two of my sieve-ish memory first but I’ll remember.) Every session means something to me. Every one.
For years, I’ve been saying that I wonder what it’s like from y’all’s perspective. To do the research, make a choice, initiate contact, wait (and wait!) for her reply. To go in with the hope that this will at least be worth the time and expense. To look in her eyes and want to feel that connection, find your surrender. Maybe what follows is disappointment. Maybe euphoria. Maybe something in the middle. “What must that be like?” I’d muse.
My Easter Bunny experience was an epiphany. I realized that I don’t have to wonder what it’s like from the client side any more because this means something to me too. Every email I receive I read with all the hope that you send it. “Is he going to be a good match for me? Will he be fun to play with? Will we have a connection? Is he serious and respectful? Does he play from ‘Yes’?”
Y’all talk about how excited (or surprised) you were when you walked in and saw her in person for the first time. You critique her skills, her equipment.
I have that same anticipation and excitement when I see you. Are you presenting your best self? Are you in decent enough physical shape that my gear will accommodate you, that you have the stamina to play how I like?
You all say how disappointed you are by the Mistresses who go through the motions or don’t really seem all that into it or disregard your interests.
Form letters hurt my feelings. The energy sucks and the nonresponsive frustrate me. People who ask me for scenes I don’t do exasperate me.
I want you to turn on that light in my eyes, to inspire “that look.” I want you to feed me your energy and desire. I want to feel that connection, your surrender. I want to lead and I want you to follow. I don’t want you to suck all of the joy and wonder out of a scene with fussy, petty limits. I want to be turned on. I want to say, “Oh, my god, this is AMAZING! YOU ARE AMAZING! YES!” And after I’ve shared this with you. After I’ve shown you that yes, I need this too, I need to you honor that.
I’m looking for that every time. This means something to me, too.
Not sure where to start. It hurts me somewhat to see how disappointed and bothered you were by his response. I know how much of yourself you invest in what you do. It sucks when something starts off so well and ends in disappointment. A normal response to this might be to harden yourself up to prevent hurt and disappointment from clients in the future. I hope you don’t go that route. It wouldn’t seem to be you and could change what makes you such a great play partner to begin with. I think you just have to consider that its hard to figure what really goes through people’s minds, especially when it comes to bdsm, sessions, kink, etc. Some people can never be satisfied or happy with things. Something gets into their head and that’s it. Its his loss more than yours. He had a potentially great thing started and wasn’t perceptive enough to realize it. My experience with you was that it was good to start and keeps getting better the more I know and see you. I really do hate to disappoint you because I know you try so hard.
@buffalo
Yeah, I was bothered, but this kind of thing has happened to me enough that once I blow off the steam, I’m pretty much over it. I’ve tried hardening myself but it’s just not in my nature. Over on Formspring (http://www.formspring.me/TroyOrleans ) I replied to a question with “I tend to push through life with an open heart.” That pretty much sums it up for me as far as this stuff goes. Hardening means you miss a lot of the best parts!
MTO,
After I heard this story I had similar thoughts as buffalo did. It hurts me to hear that a play partner was not gracious enough about the “gift” of your dominance that was given to him. Regardless of what any pre-conceived fantasy or script a sub has written in their head, they need to be able to recognize the effort; the personal attention; and witness their Dommes satisfaction during the scene. If they are not able to recognize these things and just follow their script, they will not be able to see how good the play actually was.
From my personal experience I know that no-one is immune to trying to create a script. I have been down this road before as well, it is very easy to get caught up in the moment and set goals for a session that may or may not be achieved. I had a secret weapon though. I asked a good friend for some advice prior to seeing a new Domme as to what would be good choices (my words) “to put on the menu” for our session. Her reply was that there should not be any menu, “just general cuisine”. This was very good advice because it did a couple of things. It prevented me, during my nervous anticipation, from creating a laundry list of activities and a script for our session. This advice also gave me a reminder as to how important it is to be flexible and allow a scene to create itself with only a few “ingredients”. This was great advice, because the scene was more satisfying than I could have imagined. However, if I did not have a friend that knew the Domme I was going to play with, I would not have been able to adjust my goals and expectations for this particular session and may have been just like your Easter Bunny. Many subs are seeking out play partners and Dommes to feed their desires and BDSM needs because they are not able to find it in their vanilla lives. As you know, everyone has a different play style, both Domme and sub. Because there are so many different play styles, it is extremely difficult to be in the right frame of mind every single session for each Domme you play with. It appears that the Easter Bunny’s frame of mind just did not click on this one. I agree with buffalo, “It’s his loss more than yours”. Besides, what doesn’t kill you; makes you stronger.
@laughing
Inexplicably, your comment ended up in my Spam folder. Fortunately I rescued it. 🙂
I don’t mind … well, I wouldn’t call them scripts, exactly. More like themes. Like his theme: inescapable bondage. Love it. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do it! But to focus afterwards ONLY on what didn’t work instead of what did is when I get pissy.
But you bring up a great point as far as how to approach a first session: be open to letting that first session create itself. It’s awesome advice. I mean, when it’s your first time playing with someone, it’s not so much about whether she used the exact clamps you said you liked when you requested the session. The smart player evaluates based on a much bigger picture: Did she seem sincere, engaged, competent in the ways that are important to me? Is this a place I’m comfortable? Is there enough tinder here to turn the sparks into a sustainable fire?
What’s unfortunate with Easter Bunny is that had he simply said, “Thank you for your time. I really enjoyed meeting you and playing. I was somewhat disappointed that we didn’t get to that ‘truly helpless inescapable bondage’ place we’d been talking about in our earlier emails though. Should we play again, I’d love to talk about how we might make that happen more successfully” I wouldn’t have even blinked. Part of me wants to invite him back because I see potential there as far as the play being satisfying. I just sense that this initial exchange is probably indicative of what would be a trend. And I can’t have that.
Dear Troy:
This was really wonderful to read. After being bombarded by so much anti-dominatrix negativity on max it is really refreshing to hear such a clear and candid description of what it feels like from the other side of the whip. The prevailing “wisdom” among many clients seems to be that pros are only in it for the money. I have always hated looking at things that way and I have never wanted to believe it. You take great pride in your profession. You love what you do. You really connect with your clients. That really shines through here. So even if you were disappointed by this particular interaction reading about it gave me a better understanding of what makes you (and hopefully many other dommes) tick.
I agree with buffalo. Please don’t harden yourself towards your clients to protect yourself from being hurt. That is another thing I hear from so many of the clients out there. There cynicism about pros, their insistence that pros are only in it for the money is really just a defense mechanism. Trouble is that type of defense robs D/s of its magic.
Great post! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Best
hmp
@hmp
Thanks for reading this as it was intended. I really didn’t mean for it to be a “Oh, look how awful this guy was to me! Tell me what a jerk he was!” post. Rather the story was to illustrate the much more positive lesson I learned from it. You guys often talk about wanting to know what it’s like from the domme’s POV and this, I thought, gave that. Both during and post-scene.
MTO,
Thanks again for an incredible session last week. You are truly magnificent, that was the word that I finally settled on when searching for the best superlative. LOL
You may recall that we discussed the situation that you have blogged about here. I told you then that I was, and still am, stunned at his obvious lack of simple manners. He set a ridicules standard for a first session with you and he caused his own disappointment. You are too talented, and way too smart, to think for second that it is anything but his problem. You can’t control his lack of graciousness.
Also, as talented as even you are, and God knows thats pretty damned talented, you also cannot please everyone, especially someone who obvioulsy is not playing from “yes”. Sounds like he wasn’t even playing from “maybe”.
I have a feeling that the vast majority of your clients (including me!), appreciate and respect your style and abilities, recognizing them as truly exceptional. You make surrender great fun, and thank you for teaching me about playing from “yes”.
RNJ
@RNJ
Thanks for the kind words. You’re gonna make me blush.
The bad manners thing is kinda surprising. But some people, I’ve found, approach sessioning as simply receiving a service. The “appreciation” is adequately acknowledged by the transaction, I suppose. I get that. But that’s not the kind of person that’s a good match for me. If I were doing this just to be in business, then I’d have no problem with it. But, like I said, this means something to more to me.
“I’m looking for that every time.”
If you got it every time, would it still be that special? I can attest to your skills and your sincerity. And the sub you mention sounds like a selfish lout. I can not for the life of me understand why someone can’t invest 2 minutes of their time to say “Thank you” or “I’m sorry, but I’ve been terribly busy.”
All too often, we’re just too thoughtless of others.
Far too thoughtless.
BTW – you know you can feel free to add FLL & MIA to the airport codes anytime 😉
*HUG*
C / A
@aarkey
Of course, episodes like this make me appreciate the fulfilling ones so much more. But don’t interpret me too literally here. “Every time” we go into a new situation we hope for the best, no? Doesn’t always happen, but it’s important that we stay open and positive so that the hope stays shiny and intact.
And, hey, it’s not like I’m batting .500 when it comes to manners, thoughtfulness, and graciousness. I falter plenty. But I try to stay conscious, acknowledge, and make up for whatever I miss. It’s really all about intention.
Been trying to add FLL/MIA to my itinerary forEVAH. Part of the problem is just not having established any play partners down there to tip the scales. Why dontcha talk me up a bit down there. 😉
Kiss to the Miss. You too.
Toughen up, there are idiots everywhere.
Having said that, you must give credence to his feelings as well. Maybe he didn’t experience the session in the same fashion as you did. While the nice thing would have been to write you some non-sense placating email, he told you it as he experienced it.
I have found that sometimes in order not to hurt the Domme, I put off writing the review email and when I finally did it wasn’t all that truthful (cowardly.. yes I know)
Just maybe, but then again I think he was an arrogant bastard in his method of delivery (or the lack thereof).
Please don’t shoot me!
Zurich
@zurich
While I was pissed by what happened, my takeaway wasn’t a mess of wet wounds that needed licking but rather a valuable insight and reminder of why I do what I do.
And, yeah, it’s totally possible that he didn’t get out of the scene the same things I did. That doesn’t mean I need to hear a bunch of empty platitudes. Far from it. The rave reviews are great but it’s the constructive criticism that I really value because that’s what helps me get better. It’s fine for you to say a scene didn’t meet your expectations, but do so in a way that’s gracious and, more importantly, actually gives us somewhere to GO. His full reply was, “Was pretty good. Was somewhat disappointed that the rope bondage wasn’t inescapable…..Im still looking for that truly helpless rope bondage experience.” WTF am I supposed to do with that? Had he wrote exactly that but added, “Really felt a strong connection with you though and I’d like to try again. Next time, don’t help me. Make it harder.” then I’d be so fucking amped to rise to the challenge, I’d be begging him to come in again.
Seriously, I don’t need any sympathy here. I know the guy behaved like a prick and I hope he regrets it. He’s not my problem anymore though.
Dear Troy:
Your post reveals your sincerity and passion for what you do. In the end, that’s all that matters. Your passion. Your commitment. Your zeal. Thoughtless emails take nothing away from who you are or what you put into that or any other session. Hold your head high and do what gives you joy. The rest will take care of itself.
Peace,
Mike
@mike
That’s the plan, darlin. Thank you for posting.
MTO (please notice I made sure to add back the “M” – you certainly deserve it!),
Ah, the joys of owning and operating a small, service business. Unfortunately, in all service businesses – whether it be lawyers, accountants, doctors, insurance agents or the like, and that includes dommes – there will always be jerks to deal with. Customers or clients who we work our ass off for in order to provide quality service and a great result. Then this is the response we get. Screw him!
I know that on many levels you don’t like to look at what you do as running a service business. But on some level it is. For those who truly appreciate you for who you are and how you are committed to your craft the business aspect isn’t even a blip on the screen. But there will always be a small percentage of clientele who just suck and drain our energy and joy of what we do.
For those times, all I can suggest is that you need to be resilient.
Keep in mind the number of fantastic, awesome, quality scenes you had the same week that this thankless jerk crossed your threshold. And take some solace in the fact that while you’ll go on providing high quality, joyful times to so many others, this guy will never get another chance to experience all the wonderful things you have to offer.
He’s not even worthy of a second thought. To dwell on him only allows him to win. There will always be jerks. But there will be so many, many more who you connect with on that level you are looking for. Keep your focus on the good guys!!!
Be well
Whizzer
@whizzer
Thanks for giving me back my M.
I do actually think of myself as running a service business. I want my customers to go home happy and feel awful when I’ve disappointed them. The problem occurs when the customer doesn’t realize his role in all this, that he doesn’t care too much about meeting my expectations.
Anyway, appreciate the sound advice. Already done!
Hi MTO,
I really enjoyed and appreciated your most recent blog entry.
You are 100% correct that there are gracious, respectful, appreciative ways of providing feedback to a domme.
Good subs, great clients, understand that we are people and that a session is a collaboration.
I’ve been confused and/or hurt by a lack of feedback or rudeness in the past, especially when it is unexpected like that… however at the end of the day it just made me appreciate the good ones more!
Another piece of it is that most likely the session was incredible for him- however fears around intimacy came up. Wow, she could really be *that* top. Subconscious self-sabotage on his part. If he had given you constructive feedback maybe you could have achieved his fantasy together- then what excuse would he have to escape getting close to a Domme? I’ve found that more than one of the heavy bondage enthusiasts I’ve met have this perfectionist streak that is their way of being in control and balancing their desire to loose control. I’m not anywhere near the skill level you are, nor do I do the kind of elaborate bondage you do- so I can only imagine that the guys that you play with have an even more intense perfectionist-control-freak aspect.
Just my two cents.
Thanks for posting, and being the awesome Domme that you are!
@anon
You wrote, “Good subs, great clients, understand that we are people and that a session is a collaboration..” Exactly! Yeah. I’m a service provider. But I’m also a woman who’s sharing a great intimacy with you. Respect that.
That’s an interesting theory about self-sabotage. It’s possible. And your observation about bondage attracting perfectionists is also compelling. Though I’d actually broaden it for heavy players of all stripes. There’s not a lot of judgment there for me though. We all have to find our balance, you know?
In any respect, I think one can give constructive criticism of a scene and be warm, polite. I shake my head at the guys who believe we value pure sycophancy. Compliment garlands are nice, but they don’t necessarily help me play better with you. The feedback isn’t intended to feed my ego, but to allow for a forum of communication so that we can be better play partners for each other.
Hey Troy! Ya know, I liked reading this. Not because you had to deal with an idiot, but because you spoke of it in the same way I would. I HATE disappointing my clients. I do so much prep to insure the ‘spontaneous magic’ of my sessions that I find myself angry at those who don’t appreciate the, well, craft of my craft. Everything doesn’t always work out (I mean, obviously…), but to not appreciate how much of myself I bring to a scene is a huge turnoff to me. I used to consider offering follow-up sessions, but realize that there is absolutely no way to win in that situation. He will still be perfectionist him, and you will still be lovely you. In the end, he’ll just piss you off again.
Easter Bunny, and my easter bunnies as well, had a picture in his head that you, not living in his skull, couldn’t be privy to. He forgot to remember that two people playing together are real and what happens in his masturbatory fantasies is fodder that he has perfected over time. You can’t say it, but I can – what a fucking moron he is.
There is something about playing with the fetishist that sets you up for failure, though, even if you share his fetish. It seems that a living breathing creature must be prepared to fall short of the fetishists imagination. When a fetish session works, it works like CRAZY. When it doesn’t, it just doesn’t. It’s the way of the fetishist, I’ve found, and a risk I run when I play with them.
feh.
@Mistress Wynter
So happy to see you here. You just put a big ol grin on my face!
You’re absolutely right about the “hate disappointing clients” part! (Actually, you’re right about every part, but especially that.) I DO see myself as providing a service and it’s really important to me that the people I play with feel as good about their decision to see me when they walk out my door as they did coming in. Even if he emails me with effusive appreciation afterwards, if I feel I didn’t bring my A game to a scene or that it didn’t go well in some way, I still feel awful — maybe just for disappointing myself. That’s one of the things I’ve always appreciated about you and that’s so obvious in your practice: you care about your play partners, you care about your scenes. This means something to you, too.
And don’t get me started on the fetishists….
Thank you so much for posting! Yay!
Troy,
I want to make a few comments to add to some of what’s been said here. Its all been interesting to read. Mistress Wynter’s comment was spot on. I like how she refers to what you all do as a craft. It has occurred to me over the last few years that you craft a session better than anyone I have ever played with and thats how I think of it – crafting a session. You have things play out with an amazing combination of planning and spontaneity. Its always good. Which leads me to the next thing.
Wynter says “Easter Bunny, and my easter bunnies as well, had a picture in his head that you, not living in his skull, couldn’t be privy to. He forgot to remember that two people playing together are real and what happens in his masturbatory fantasies is fodder that he has perfected over time.” That is how I used to be. It took a long time and you for me to learn to get away from that. I used to go into a session with preconceived items that I wanted checked off and wanting certain dialogue that in my head hits home and breaks me down. The problem is that in my desires and expectations it had to come spontaneously from the mistress without me telling her all this. Of course thats impossible because as Wynter said , unless the domme is inside my head she can’t know exactly what I want. Like Wynter says its impossible for a domme to meet the exact expectations of a fetishist. When I play with you my fetishes , which are still a huge part of my fantasies, are much less important because of the way you play. Maybe if you played with your Easter Bunny again he would “get it” and let you take him where he wants to go. Then again it took me awhile and I still have to watch myself sometimes to make sure I just trust you and let things happen. He may not be the type who can do that. Anonymous talks about the perfectionist streak in those really into bondage. I can’t relate to a bondage enthusiast per se but I can see where they would be similar to the fetishist who has to have it almost exactly the way he fantasizes to have it work for him.
I never thought much about what effects my behavior, reactions, responses , etc had on you or other dommes I have seen. You have really made me aware of this over the course of our sessions. It is indeed a collaboration. It is probably a natural thing for a client to see a domme and expect her to provide a scene for him taking into account his interests and limits. Those who only go this far and fail to contribute themselves are missing out on the full potential of whatever can be reached.
MTO and buffalo: I just want to say that I’m very happy that the two of you are traveling this road together. I’ve always worried a little about you, buffalo… you had so many deep needs to be dealt with and just couldn’t seem to find the right person to deal with them. I’ll tell you this… had you not decided to finally allow trust into your relationship, you’d still be ‘searching’… and I’m tickled that you are finally in a happy place. I’ve wanted to tell you many times that you were not allowing the Woman the power she needed but never felt it was my place, as someone you don’t play with, to say it. Troy said it, if not with words, then with deeds.
Right the hell on.
And as for you, Ms. Troy… XOXOXOXOXOXOXO.
Troy,
Great post and a good warning to those of us who are just beginning the real-life journey. But what I liked most? That you care enough to get upset at his feedback.
I don’t know what a dominatrix is or should be. I only have an idea in my mind. A fantasy, not reality.
The only thing I know for certain is this: when I finally do choose to submit to a woman, she will have my trust and respect. No matter how things go, I will be grateful for the opportunity to have the experience. There will be two us in that experience, and she will be taking a risk of her own.
I don’t have big scripted fantasies in my head. I have snippets, glimpses of the things that fire my engine. I don’t understand that spark, but I do appreciate it. And while I will do my best to articulate to a domme, I recognize that my inability to fully communicate my desires coupled with the very large gaps between reality and fantasy will likely mean that I won’t get the exact (and undefined) experience I seek.
And that’s not a bad thing. It’s a process. It’s about building relationship, learning, exploring, and testing.
It will be great if the magic happens, but we should all know that it’s a combination of luck, effort and learning.
Thanks for being you and sharing so much of yourself here. Your words are helping me become the man I deserve to be.
Jeffrey
@jeffrey
Wow. Thank YOU for your response here. You absolutely seem to be on the right track. Whomever you do find will be very lucky. Best wishes to you in your journey.