What He Said…

Based on the comments to my recent post “Win-Win,” it seemed there was some interest in hearing his side of the story. So I asked him to share it with you.

I’ve made some light copyedits for grammar and clarity. You might also want to check out his reply in the comments of the original post as well.

Ever since I can remember I have been sexually wired as a submissive masochist in a Femdom/BDSM context. All of my sexual urges and fantasies have been along these lines. I really have never desired vanilla sex. Although I am capable of it and it is part of my life, vanilla sex is not something I fantasize about or crave. I have always wanted to experience sexual intercourse in a BDSM context. On a few occassions I have done sessions with escorts who also did some BDSM play but those sessions never really worked for me. The BDSM just didn’t feel real.

I have been seeing MTO for a few years. We have great chemistry and I love to session with her. I am very comfortable with her and she seems to be able to read me like no other. We talk and she just knows me very well. I tell her about my fantasies and my sessions with other dommes and basically about my life in general. I feel she knows me well. Very well. When we session I never know where she is going to go. She always seems to surprise me. Sometimes it’s stuff I like, sometimes not. It’s always good. The session usually just seems to evolve on its own as we go along. I credit this to her.

Our last session was in a hotel room and started slowly. She wrapped a sheath of some sort around my cock and started teasing me. I got hard and suddenly felt a sharp pain on my cock and yelled out. I wasn’t sure what caused the pain. I thought it was an electric jolt and that she had attached an electrical toy to my cock. We played on for a few minutes and it dawned on me that the sheath was spiked and whenever I got hard it hurt like hell and whenever I was soft there was no pain. She was playing this game with me, teasing me and exciting me to get me hard. When I would scream from the pain in my cock, she’d give me more pain so that I would soften but the pain would be elsewhere.

Suddenly she stops and tells me that she has a deal for me. She tells me that she is going to tease and torment me for the next 30 minutes and if I can manage to be silent and not make a noise she will fuck me. She repeats this a few times to hammer home the bargain. At first I can’t believe what I am hearing. My heart is racing. I want this so badly. It is hard to describe how badly I really want this. This would be the ultimate. I really love MTO. Not romantic love but I care for her and I love our connection. I think she is brilliant.  She is smart, warm, fun , dominant, and very real. I know her. This would be 1000 times better than trying to fulfill my fantasy of femdom sex with an escort with a whip.

And the thing is: I know she is serious. I know she doesn’t sell sex but I know she will fuck me if I can manage to keep silent for 30 minutes while she teases and tortures me. I know her and I know she is fair. I am thrilled, elated, excited, hard. At the same time I also know that there is no way I am going to be able to win. My pain threshold is not terribly high. Certainly not high enough to withstand what I know will be coming. I also know she is fair but that she knows she is not going to lose. It’s a wild feeling. I want this, I am going to try like hell but deep down I know I am going to lose.

She starts out fairly light, teasing me, making the spikes dig into my hard cock. It’s a great mindfuck because I am so turned on but I am fighting an erection because I don’t want pain. Though now when the spikes dig in they don’t have the same effect as before. I am concentrating so hard on silence that it’s not so bad. She plays with this for a while and then starts upping the ante , pinching my nipples, digging her nails into them and the surrounding area. This hurts bad. It’s excruciating but I manage to open my mouth in a silent scream. I am looking up at her as she is on top of me, wondering what is going through her head. It occurs to me that she is enjoying this mindfuck she is giving me. She can see how hard I am trying and I am trying with every ounce of discipline I have to stay silent but in the back of my mind I know she can end this with one movement that would have me screaming at the top of my lungs.

At some point I think she tells me 20 minutes and then 15 minutes. I am thinking, like, “Wow, maybe I have a chance” but I fear I don’t because she won’t let it happen. All the while she is teasing me, hurting me, pinching, digging her nails into me. I think at one point she punched my balls which made me gasp. I have been making very small sounds and I am worried that at any time she can just say I made too much noise and I lose. I hear her say 10 minutes to go and now she is whipping my cock and balls with something that is really painful. She looks down at me, kind of smiles and says confidently, “I am going to win” and I know she is right. I am fighting to keep silent with every ounce of will and strength I have, moving away from her whip, falling half off the bed. She just follows me down and then I feel sharp pain from the whip and it’s over. I yell “Fuck! Fuck!” and it’s over. I am almost in tears from pain and frustration yet looking up at her I am almost laughing too. It’s such a weird feeling. I am just lying there with my head in her lap, telling her I knew it was a losing battle from the start. It is funny. We stay like that for for a few minutes, talking, waiting because the session is still not over. She gets me back on the bed and sits astride me. Again she is teasing me and hurting me. I don’t know if she did this on purpose or if she even noticed but my cock is right up against her crotch which is covered with her underwear. It is hard and I just want so badly to enter her but I know it’s not going to happen. I just want that pair of panties to vanish. I am just looking up into her face as she is hurting me and playing with me. Her eyes are so deep and I am trying to read her mind through her eyes.

It’s now a few weeks after the session. Some of the details may be off a little but the feelings remain. It was indeed a tremendous mindfuck. I have always wanted a session to stay with me in some way, change me in some way or become part of me. I have always sought to get this by seeking real humiliation and shame but that has never worked. I just don’t feel those things from a session. This session has seemed to accomplish this. There is a lingering sense of frustration and loss at what felt so tangible. It’s not a bad feeling though. I think about the session and it feels good. It was indeed a great session.  I get excited but at the same time there is an ache at what I could have had. But then there was no way that was going to happen. Really good stuff. And I think/hope Troy had a blast as well.