I was standing in the middle of a dungeon/art gallery/something, talking with a friend when a man approached me and asked, “Anything I can do for you?”
In a BDSM setting, such inquiries invariably rub me the wrong way. Anything? The word is loaded with expectation. It weighs on me. It imposes. “Anything,” he says. Though what I hear is, “Please ask me for something I want to give you. Please tell me to do something I want to do.” Most of the time, it’s not really about serving me, but serving his own needs and desires.
“Pay my rent,” says a friend’s blog under “Things I Desire.” She adds: “What? I do desire that!” Even as I cringe a tiny bit at her command, I admire her moxie in bypassing the fiction so blatantly, demanding fulfillment of her own fantasy upfront. (I assure you, the fantasy of the generous patron is as ubiquitous and longed for among dommes as the submissive males’ fantasy of meeting a beautiful stranger at a bar who takes you home with her and dominates the hell outta ya and claims you as her slave … with a requirement of hours of forced pussy worship, s’natch.)
“Anything,” he says. I’m holding a full glass. I’m in the middle of conversation. Do I look like I need something? Anything. What does he want from me, then? Behind him I see the short, hairy man who looks like he swallowed a Pilates ball sucking off some other naked guy on an upholstered chaise and grimace. Not that. Anything. I think, Sir, I’m sure you mean well, but I didn’t come with you. I don’t even know you. I didn’t ask you. Whatever you mean by “anything” is definitely the last thing I’m here for.
********
Ironically, for many people, embodying such fantasies is what makes a woman a “real” domme. That what makes me “really into it” is that when you say “Anything,” I tell you my heart’s most ardent desire is that you bend down and kiss my feet in front of a room full of people. Consequently, I struggle a lot with the fantasy vs reality aspect of BDSM. The fantasy is that I spend all day dreaming about doing kinky things. (You can tell by the questions I get on Formspring.) The fantasy is that my life is a 24/7 panoply of kinky thoughts, deeds, and desires.
“There’s not a lot of fiction in my practice,” I commented on a recent thread about over-the-top testimonials on Max Fisch. Mostly cause I just don’t see how pretending I want something I don’t or that you are something you’re not serves anyone. Ask me what I want to do on a gorgeous Fall afternoon and “shove an electric plug in a bound man’s ass” is just not the first thing I’m gonna think of. Probably not even the fifth. This doesn’t mean I’m “going through the motions” when I find myself in the dungeon on a sunny day with a man ready to surrender to me. It does mean I will take a moment and marvel in pleasure at the sun taking a last lick of his pale skin just as I pull the zipper closed on the black leather bodybag.
And, ok, I get that for the guys who have to compartmentalize, maybe, it is exciting to think of their Domme living some unexpurgated all-kink existence of pampering and pleasure. Because these thoughts consume you when you’re not being forced to deal with your actual life, you like the idea that your domme’s actual life can be so pleasurably consumed. But what song is worth singing that only has one note? Doesn’t saying “anything” just ultimately put us both in the awkward position where you may have to face how limited your offer really is and I’m coldly reminded it’s my job to fulfill your fantasies and nevermind my own. (For when I DO go out on a limb and tell you about something I *really* want, I don’t get a single “I would love to do this. Please pick me!” response … not even a creepy one. Thanks, guys.)
The truth is, if I’m thinking about kink outside the studio, it’s probably about a blog post I want to write. Or the emails I need to reply to. If I’m daydreaming, it’s about the dinner party I want to have for my birthday in January. When I fantasize, it’s about buying an apartment downtown, or being in a serious relationship again. I save my serious kinky thoughts and actions for when I’m actually in the studio, and there’s a man in front of me, telling me I can do anything. It’s then that I put aside whatever I might *really* want at that moment (a nap? a massage? lunch in the park with my iPad?) and try to figure out what it is among the things he wants that I’m inclined to do. I look around my studio (which still awes me, every time), plumb my desires, and take in his, and exhale something new and real and in-the-moment that fulfills and satisfies both of us.
That’s as real as it gets.
Troy,
I think this is my favorite thing you’ve written so far and yet I find it difficult to comment. Nonetheless, this is the kind of entry that deserves a comment, so here it goes:
I really like the post because of how honest it feels to me. It feels a little bit like the Wizard of Oz: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! You’re sharing the view from your side even though it may not meet people’s expectations. I think that takes some nerves, so mad props to you.
I can understand saying “anything.” I know it’s bullshit, but I also know that when I drop into subspace, I’m capable of believing that statement in the biggest, boldest way possible. I also recognize that “pay my rent” would put a chill on the subspace and snap me right out of my fantastic delusion. (I confess to my own lameness in this regard. 😉 )
I think the reason it’s hard for me to comment is because I’ve read into your post an undercurrent of sadness, a recognition that while you are the key figure in fulfilling the fantasies of your clients, you’re not getting that in return. I can only imagine how that feels, and I’m pretty sure it sucks. I suspect that even after the best of sessions there remains a gap for you, and that makes me sad.
It’s times like this I wish I believed in karma. Although I’ve never sessioned with you, it’s pretty clear to me that you give an awful lot of yourself to your work and to your clients. If I believed in karma, I’d know it’s all gonna come back to you.
But I don’t know that. So instead, I’ll keep hoping that some how, some way, some of the answers to your fantasies find their way to your doorstep.
Jeffrey
@Jeffrey
Consider that the chill you get from “pay my rent” is the same chill I get when a near stranger says to me, “I want to be your slave.” Though I’ve never asked anyone to pay my rent.
As for the sadness in not getting my fantasies fulfilled, as Alx points out elsewhere in the comments, there’s a big part of me that is, in that I have the practice I want, the one that’s meaningful to me. If my fantasy is that I get to play in this world on my terms … I’ve got that. I wear what I want, I do what I want, and I’ve pretty much stripped away a lot of the bullshit – as I see it, at least – that’s kind of endemic to the scene.
Still I know that gap you’re talking about, too. I’ve been trying to figure out how to bridge it because the fantasy-fulfillment and world-rocking business is rough!
@Atlanta Alex
Thanks for posting and welcome to my blog!
It IS laziness! It’s never happened, but I imagine I’d be far more intrigued by and responsive to someone who approached me and said, “You’ve written frequently about your desire to play with more masochists. Pain gets me hard. I would love to see how much I could take from you.”
Though I don’t mind being approached unsolicited all that much. It’s not an easy thing to do.
@heellvr
I don’t think a friend would say that. A friend would say, “Hey, can I get you another drink?”
You know what I’ve found goes a long way towards my fantasy fulfillment? Gift cards. Seriously. Every once in a blue moon, someone will give me a iTunes, Blissertificate, Starbucks, or Visa/Amex gift card and it’s like I get to drop a little cherry of “You done so much for me, here, let me get this for you,” pleasure into my day. It’s really great.
“Anything” is mental laziness. Approaching you unsolicited is rude.
For me, the fantasy has to do with being myself while pushed beyond what I am capable of doing myself. A balance needs to be struck between safety, boundaries, mutual interest on the one hand and “anything” on the other.
In other words, I agree with you on this.
MTO,
I can not help but wonder if the man that approached you was a friend and asked the same question would it produce the same reaction. Especially if it took place at the park or out to dinner/lunch. However, I can see your point and empathize with how you feel. Obviously this individual was expecting some type of kinky response and not just a simple, “No, I am fine”. I can reflect on the many times I have made the mistake of using the statement “anything you want” after being asked “what would you like to do today?” during play sessions. Although it was not intended to be, I now realize how selfish an answer it was. In a play setting, we should not be afraid of sharing thoughts, fantasies or expectations.
I also agree with Jeffery about the undercurrent of this post. I can not help but feel that you are sad about the fact you provide so much happiness and fantasy fulfillment for others and we are not able to always do the same in return. Unfortunately we may never be able to escape this dichotomy of pro-session play. Regardless of how much we try to avoid it, the truth of the matter is that the reason many men see a Pro-Domme is to fulfill their own fantasies. When the session is over, many times we easily forget the needs of others. It is never the plan but it just seems to end up that way.
m
Now I know what not to say to you at a party!
😉
As usual, you nail it about the “I’ll do anything for you Mistress” bottom topping.
But I disagree at bit.
Sometimes we mean it.
Sometimes we want to hold your iPad in the park for you after fetching you lunch. I’m sure I’d get the angle all wrong, but hey, I’m trying.
Sometimes we haul all the stuff you bought two thousand miles for you and return all the things you don’t want because it makes you happy.
Sometimes we love you so much we want to buy you that place downtown, but we just can’t possibly afford it.
Mostly, we want “anything” to mean a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’ we,/i> like.
But sometimes, we just wanna make you smile, ‘cos seeing you smile is reward enough.
@advo
Most of the examples you cite presume a measure of familiarity, not the acts of a total stranger.
Still, I will give you that sometimes y’all really mean it. 😉
@downlow
Of course I understand basic civility. While I suppose I could have “dominated” him in a small way by saying “Fuck off,” instead I smiled graciously and simply said, “Thanks. If I need anything, I’ll let you know.” I wouldn’t even have given his query a second thought had he not made a point of emailing me after to tell me how much he really meant it and outline a plan for how he could be my 24/7 slave in due course.
But I find it a little galling that I’m the one expected to do all the work of being considerate of feelings, understanding what he really meant, and creating a space so that he can keep feeling good about himself, regardless of how his actions make me feel.
@buffalo
Thanks for the sweet words. And right back at you and most of the people I play with. I’m really lucky that we get to do this stuff in a very real and meaningful way. It’s the best possible gift any of you can give me. And you do. Often.
I’ve often wondered, though, how to find a way to communicate the little things y’all can do for me in a way that is genuine and meaningful to me but that’s also gratifying to you. My wish lists are largely ignored and it’s rare that something I might blog or tweet about desiring ever gets an actioned response. Sometimes I think that I give off such an impression of being in control of everything that you can’t really imagine I want for anything.
Listen, I think you walk on water. I love your energy, enthusiam, ingenuity, and talent. I think you’re gorgeous. But I think you are being a little harsh here.
So a guy asked you at a party if there was anything he could do for you. Did he mean “anything”? No, but what is he supposed to say?; “Is there something that I can do or get for you, within reason, within my limited ability here at the party, for up to $20, that would get me an introduction to you?” Smooth line. Get a guy a lot of action {not!}.
When a salesperson asks if they can help me, I don’t stew over the fact that they don’t mean to help be change the oil in my car, or paint my house. I understand it is within the context of the situation.
Did the guy secretly want you to dominate him? Maybe, but maybe he just wanted a way to say hello, and couldn’t think of a better way. Maybe you would have dominated him in some small or large way; how is he to know unless he asks? And of the possible inquiries along that line, I think he chose the least obnoxious and the most easily responded to with a simple “no, thanks”. Or even a “maybe later”. You may think that approaching a beautiful dominant woman is a snap, but it’s not. It’s easy to be a bit clumsy.
Also, I don’t assume that you are thinking about kink 24/7. I assume you live your life and that you think about appropriate things when appropriate. At the party you described, which sounds like a blast, such thoughts are not inappropriate, right?
Like previous posters, I also get the sense that would like more reciprocity in the pleasing department. There’s no doubt that you deserve it. I think many of us out here would like to be able to provide that for you, if we could. Seeing you happy IS awesome!
Jeez, this post is going to give me more of a complex. I already feel like I say/do the wrong things when I get nervous.
As usual your posts and blogs are very thought provoking and layered and because of this sometimes its challenging to reply in a concise manner to what you say. But I will try. I love sessioning with you because of who you are. You are not my fantasy domme but a real multi faceted, multi talented person. I love our sessions but what I really look forward to is the chance to see you. The thing is I am a client and this is your business so sessions are what we do. I would truly like to be able to say I will do anything for you because I would like to be able to do that but I know that I am really limited in what I can do. I sometimes feel that you are too good to me or that I don’t do enough for you and I feel kind of guilty about it. I have learned not to make empty promises or threats. Something pops into my head, (as an example but I can’t say it here,) that is similar to a sub saying to a domme “I will do anything for you”. I agree with you that when someone says “Anything” in a bdsm setting its a fantasy. I can see why it irks you. You are so much more than a bdsm fantasy. Going back to where I started , you are a real woman, albeit a kinky one, who gives alot of herself in session and deserves the same back. I like you the way you are. I like that you are so much more than a “goddess” I would think that all of the people that session with you regularly feel the same way. It makes the bdsm more real rather than less real.
MTO,
As usual lots of honest and sincere comments about one of your posts. I am so happy to see so many considerate opinions about you and your well being, hope you feel the same way. I think if you took a straw poll you would find that each of us had a very difficult time finding the right words for our comments. This post, as others in the past really got me to think about things from a different point of view and created a good deal of self analysis and reflection. Thanks for being such a great motivator!
m
My reaction runs through my own filter, which might not be entirely on topic for everyone.
But there’s always a tension between fantasy and reality in the scene. On one hand, it’s fantasies that tend to drive guys out into the world to actually do stuff. But on the other hand, when you actually show up to do it, you’re in the real world.
It’s a pretty stereotypical thing in a video for a woman to force guy to serve her by kissing her shoe. But really, I should put “force” and “serve” in quotes, because that’s a fantasy scenario. In reality, this is something that probably gets the guy off more than the woman. He doesn’t have to be forced, and it doesn’t really do much for her.
The problem is that the scene tends to be riddled with stuff like this — stuff that simply isn’t real or true on a certain level. And at some point, we all have to make our peace with that dissonance. Some guys make their peace by saying, “Look, this is my fantasy, and I’m paying, and it’s what I want to do.” Some women say, “Hey, he’s paying me, and it doesn’t bug me when a guy kisses my shoe, so I’ll go along.” But other people feel compelled to go out and find some reality.
A while back, I posted on max fisch about financial domination. I’m not really happy with it, and I’ve gone a few months without doing it. But the starting point of it for me, the beginning of the idea, was that it was real. If A gives B $100, B really has been served by A in some sense. That’s pretty much the essential characteristic of the fetish, as far as I’m concerned.
Anyway, when I read your post here, what comes across to me is a kind of push back against the unreality of the “anything” offer. And there’s a kind of etiquette in the scene that says that you’re not really supposed to acknowledge that unreality. You’re supposed to play along with the fantasy.
But my impression of what you do is that it’s really rooted in reality. You get together with people, in person, and do stuff. It’s physical stuff — bondage, corporal, etc. You enjoy that, you’re good at it, you like taking guys through their explorations of it. That’s what you want to do — you don’t want to wallow around in the BS. (Again, this is my impression, and it could be wrong — I don’t mean to speak for you.)
I don’t know what to tell you about your frustration, really. Because the “I want to serve you in any way you want, so long as you’re wearing exactly the right kind of shoes” stuff isn’t going to go away. It’s very much part of the landscape.
So much of the scene seems to be about reconciling the irreconcilable, acting out stuff that’s sort of illogical or irrational on some levels, making unrealistic fantasies happen in reality, etc. And I think that because so much of the scene involves the presence of contradictory elements, we’re sort of doomed to make a succession of imperfect attempts to live this stuff out. The imperfections make things frustrating, but they also make it deep and complex enough that you can never really nail it down. There’s always room to go deeper, or combine things in some new and better way.
I almost feel that your practice gives you a better chance to find that genuine, uncompromised experience than most people will get, because you have really stripped out stuff that isn’t you, and focused in a pretty pure way on stuff that you can connect to in a powerful, real way. I mean, another way to read your post is as a sign that you really know exactly what you’re interested in, and “anything” isn’t it. And that stuff that’s extraneous to the real work frustrates you.
I really envy that, because I’m way out on the other end of the spectrum — I get really carried away with a lot of the nonsense, and I’m not at all able to focus in on what I want or need, and to just do it.
Alx,
You are anything but “carried away with a lot of nonsense” – at least in your comment/reflection here. I always like reading your stuff.
“Most of the examples you cite presume a measure of familiarity, not the acts of a total stranger.”
I agree. But sometimes strangers are just strange, no? Can I please cue Jim Morrison…”faces come out the the rain, no one remembers your name”?