The thing about letting too much time go between posts is that at first you think you have nothing to say, and then you think there’s too much to say and then you go back and forth between those two until you start wondering why you’re blogging in the first place and thinking about maybe shutting down your blog entirely.
I remember when I first started blogging about my experiences in BDSM. When I began my training apprenticeship at Luxuria in 2004, my then-boyfriend wasn’t exactly thrilled about my new avocation. He agreed to be nominally supportive, though, as long as I met a few conditions: 1) “Do not bring it home. You’re not spanking me. I’m not spanking you.” 2) “Don’t tell our friends. They’re not going to understand, you don’t know who’s gonna talk, and you may not even last long enough to make it worth all the long term repercussions.” And 3) “You have to make art of it. You can’t just be doing it for the sake of doing it cause you’ve got too much to lose. You’re a writer, so write a book or a blog or a screenplay. But have something to show for what you’re doing.”
So I started a blog. At the time, blogs were gaining attention and anonymous sex bloggers like Belle du Jour, Washingtonienne, and others were attracting publicists and movie deals. As a professional writer, I was friends with a few folks on the masthead at Gawker, where good writing peppered with serious snark was the style all the hip bloggers were emulating. So I mashed up what I knew and started an anonymous kink blog of humorous, condescending posts about my life as a dominatrix.
(I just logged into that old Blogspot account — for a second I wasn’t sure I remembered how — and read a handful of my posts. I wrote a lot more than I recalled. I should go mine that collection and repost them here.
Hah.
No.)
I hated that blog. I hated writing it because turning my incredibly personal experiences I was having into titillating, “commercial” posts in hopes I, too, would attract the eye of a literary agent and land a book deal …. ugh. It was awful. It just made me feel dirty. Made me feel like I was selling out my play partners for a cheap laugh. It made me feel like I was writing because someone told me to and not because I wanted to.
I was glad to say goodbye to that blog and start Whip Smart, which began on MySpace eventually became this blog. I don’t write this blog for my boyfriend — I broke up with that one, ironically, around the time I started writing the blog I really wanted to write. I write this blog because I wanted to write about the stuff — scenes, players, gear — that made me say, “Wow!” in appreciation, in joy, in love … never in snark.
Somehow, though, it seems like some readers have come to think this blog is a source of wank material. I’ve talked with other bloggers too who bemoan their one-handed readership as well. Over on Formspring, some of you guys like to poke me (anonymously) with questions about when I’m gonna write another blog post. When I respond asking for inspiration, the usual suggestion is to describe a scene and invariably, such requests kill any desire I have to write at all. So thanks for that. From all of us.
Maybe I’m sensitive.
But I do want to keep writing. I remember when my blog didn’t feel like a burden but more like a refuge where I could reply to posts on Max without having to wade in the muck of the actual board. I loved the comments and the discussions. It was fun and inspiring and made me feel great about my play and my practice and my readers, too. I want to find that again. But I need your help.
From now on, I’m going to avoid answering questions directly on Formspring and instead encourage y’all to ask me questions there, but look for replies here. I’m not going to be responding to the “When are you gonna blog/finish your website/post more pictures” asshat “questions” anymore because they piss me off. Rather I want you to take advantage of the anonymity that Formspring offers to ask me real questions that you have about BDSM. Ask me about things you’re insecure about. Or uncertain. Things you’ve always wondered but wasn’t sure who to ask. Ask me about what gear I recommend or how I feel about the state of NYC commercial domination. Or prodomming vs lifestyle dommes. Or the times I’ve felt scared of or intimidated by or lustful about a play partner. Post me questions you’ve seen on other forums like Fetlife or Max Fisch that you’ve wondered what my response would be.
The Fapperazzi posts will come in time. It’s just that to turn me on, you’ve gotta start above my nose first. Then you’ll get the green light to work your way down.
Deal?
I love your blog and no, I’m not going to tell you to write more blogs. Writing is its own form of artistry and there’s no way you would demand a true artist to produce for the sake of production. Sorry about the premature ejaculatory post, these iPad keyboards are small! Hmm… I’m not much of a session player but here is a good question to you. If you were a man and choosing a session, who in NYC would you consider a sessioning with? I guess that would also translate to who are some of your most respected peers?
@MaleDom
Glad you love it. Thank you for kind, encouraging, supportive words. Really means a lot to me.
As for your question, I’ll answer it here, though I kinda also implicitly answer it on my Links page. Aside from me, obviously, if I were a client, I would pay to session with the following NYC dommes:
Mistress Wynter if I was a masochist seeking a corporal experience. There is no one I’m more certain would know how to get me wherever I wanted to go … and expertly push me a little past that. Wynter’s the most intuitive, aware, “read the sub” domme I’ve ever met.
Cassandra DeVille if I just wanted to ride the roller coaster. Fun. Exhausting. All over the place. Holy shit! OMG did you just….? That “do things you never thought you could/would” thing? That’s Cassandra.
Mistress Tess if I needed a comeuppance, especially one where I wanted to be not just told, but shown, all my sins. And get really turned on by it all because she’d be using them against me. Kinda mind-fucky — but in a sexy, debauched, light-yet-dirty way.
What’s interesting to me about considering and writing this list is, a) How different these women are, b) How important it is to know specifically what you’re looking for in order to know who to look for, c) How exceptionally influential all three women have been to my own practice.
Well, I know about artistry, although not so much when it comes to writing. I’ve noticed there are quite a few Dommes that are excellent writers. Mistress Yin, Domina M and You just to name a few. I wouldn’t want to mince words or toss a word salad with the likes of y’all! Sometimes I’ll read one of these well written blogs and thnk, “wow, that sounds like a lot a fun”! Then I stop myself, “wait, she just stuffed an electode in his butt and wired him to the grid”! Yikes! All this makes me laugh- but you describe your scenes in such a creative and imaginative way that I’m left with intrigue. Smart is sexy.
Quite a list of Dommes you would see! Here’s kind of a funny question that you don’t have to answer. If you could Domme yourself what would you do to yourself? Or is that too weird and far fetched? Imagine if there was another you and you were sessioning with yourself. I’m trying to wrap that around my own brain. What would I do to me if I was dominating myself? Kind of freaky if you actually start imagining yourself in that position!
Cheers,
MD
@MaleDom
It’s hard to tell, in the context of ‘who would you see’ and my response, if you’re asking me “what does one go see Troy for” or “how does Troy want to be topped.” I think I would choose a session with MTO if I wanted to experience extreme bondage in a cocoon of intimacy, sensuality, strength, and trust. There’s not a lot of contrivance or fantasy to my play. You come to me because you know what you want and you know I’ve got the skill set and equipment to make it happen. Which isn’t to say there are no surprises: I will control every moment, I will push you, you will experience at least one “first” when we play. I know some like to make a game of it. Count. Punish. Taunt. But I’m not looking for an excuse to beat or bind you. I do this because I can.
Perhaps the answer to the latter question, ironically, has already been given.
MTO,
Yes, I think ironically you answered my question. No doubt I’m a sucker for cocooning, rubber, inflatables, control, sensuality, and of course trust. It’s really the only time I will ever give up control. Trust is a big thing. I would never give control over to a Baby Domme just because she looks good. No no no. That’s a recipe for a disaster. Maybe I’ll have to take the Ms. Troy Orleans challenge someday. It sounds like bliss. I need to stop being a control freak!
Cheers,
MD
Ok, did you come up with Fapperazzi? Because holy crap that’s just too perfect.
As to the blog entry, I hear ya. You know I hear ya. Its such a strange little slice of cyberspace. Not quite the kind of discussion of a forum, but still inviting and wanting (IMO) some kind of direct feedback. And yet, the % of readers who respond is minuscule for most of us. I know that my blog gets 200-500 unique visitors a day. Outside of 5 regulars, I rarely get a peep. And I just want it to be a fapathon, I’ll go to a tumblr account.
I have learned that the blog ultimately had to find purpose. I want it to be a resource. Both an outlet for me, but a place where people can not only learn that they are not alone, but also learn about how it actually works. Yes, I submit myself to beautiful women as a community service… yeah, that’s the ticket. 😉
@aarkey
I wish I could take credit for it but, sadly, I think Urban Dictionary is to blame. It is kinda perfect though. And I do know you hear me (even over the din of 200-500 faps fapping).
There was a time when my blog was getting tons of diverse comments. I loved that. And I miss it. Hoping to get back there again.
You’re right about settling on a purpose for the blog. That’s what I’m trying to do, too. It’s not so much about readership numbers (though it’s nice and, oddly, I care about my readership here far more than I ever did when I was writing professionally as a reporter) as it is about, yeah, having an attractive resource for like-minded (or even not so much) players, but also just so *I* can have a place to engage that feels positive and inspiring and engaging and healthy. Then again, I look at blogs like UnspeakableAxe and remember how vibrant that blog and readership used to be 3-4 years ago and wonder if it’s a consequence of having fulfilled his purpose (mostly to find a dominant girlfriend) or it it was only a matter of time.