Maybe it’s unfair of me, but I’m always amused when new clients offer up their “hard limits,” usually unsolicited, when requesting an appointment. Often they’ll say things like “no cross dressing” or “no scat,” which brings a “where did THAT come from?!” frown to my face since there’s nothing on my site to indicate that either are a part of my practice. It’s like going into a French restaurant and saying, “Please, no tacos.”
Then there are the limits that make me wonder who the heck they’ve been playing with that they need to make it clear up front that such activities are not options. “No children or animals,” they’ll warn. Really? That needs to be said? Has it ever even happened?
“No permanent marks” also gets me. To leave a lasting mark on someone requires either substantial ignorance or deliberate intention. If you’re playing with ignorance, a limit’s not gonna save you. If she knows what’s she’s doing, she’s highly unlikely to want to leave a permanent mark on someone she’s just met. “Hi! Nice to meet you. Let me get my tattoo gun. I think my name would look great on your forehead!” I mean, I understand that there are some wild cards out there but, if you’re contacting me, you should know I’m not one. If you say “no marks” to me, you won’t have any marks. Heck, even if marks ARE okay, I’m probably not going to leave any serious ones. It’s just not my style.
Maybe it’s just that I’m spoiled … or at least good enough at what I do that pretty much everyone who’s played with me more than once trusts me, trusts my skills, and joyfully accepts that if there’s anyone to just say YES to, to just go with it, I’m a really good choice.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with limits: what yours are, how you got them, when they’ve changed or been challenged.
What gets me about the “no permanent marks” is the idea that I would want to put my mark, permanently, on someone I just met. That’s a touch intimate for the first date, at least for this gal. There are a few people who have permanent markings either in honor of or made by me and they had to jump through many hoops to earn them.
When I snuck around and sessioned I used to say that I didn’t want any marks. Well, I suppose I wanted ’em, I just didn’t want to get caught. Still, there were memorable instances in which that “hard limit” was either flat out ignored or things got a little intense and – oopsie – what is that there?
Maybe the notion of a client’s “hard limit” says more about their own fears and desires than about safety or preference.
These days I aspire to generally stated preferences and trust. That way she can take me “there” if and when she’s good and ready.
Hello MTO,
You described yourself as a seductress and that is very appropriate. Playing with you is like being seduced into a state of surrender in which a sub can completely let go of his list of “hard limits”. If he reads your site, and follows your lead to “play from yes”, he is assured an experience he will never forget. All he has to do is to just let go of his fears, and place his trust in your intuition and skill and he will emerge not only undamaged but incredibly thrilled with his session and greateful to you for the experience.
@Crimson
I know!! I feel the same way as you about permanent marks and have yet to leave anything close to one on anyone, intentionally or not, in my eight years of play. While I know of a couple of guys who ended up with lasting marks after some bad play choices (both, it should be noted, with non-pro dommes), I can’t think of a reputable domme who’d even consider permanently marking someone without substantial consultation, familiarity, and negotiation.
@advo
In my experience, most clients would love to have marks but set that limit because their personal life would not easily accommodate them. I’m surprised that you say your limit was “flat out ignored” since I don’t see you as choosing play partners who’d be so careless or who wouldn’t recalibrate if you were to remind them of your limit. Perhaps you mean more of a “consensual non consent”?
@RNJ
You’re so kind (and so correct!) to say that. In an old ad, I used to say something about if you want predictability, scenery, you should ride the carousel. What I am is a roller coaster. Scary/thrilling as it may be in the moment, you *are* gonna walk away on your own two feet, all your parts intact, breathless, and exhilarated. We don’t need no stinkin’ stack of limits, disclaimers, and cautions. Just lemme strap you in, hang on, and enjoy the ride!
I thought no poop, no pee, no children, no blood, is kind of the rule of thumb. While I don’t perform these activities it’s not out of the scope of possibilities for others. However, if you’re going to poop on someone I think you should at least have an adult conversation about it before you do it. Children are always a no-no. Hell, even an 18 year old girl just sounds like a no-no to me.
I figure if people read your site then they should at least have an idea of who you are and what you do. The problem here is that maybe your expecting people to actually do their homework before sessioning with you!
This reminds me of a funny session I had once. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t really session. I booked a session at a well known house. Yes, I was young and stupid at the time for booking a session at a house. Needless to say I showed up, picked a Domme out of the book and did the interview. We went over my likes and dislikes. I’m pretty much submissive when it comes to latex bondage and I’ll certainly hand over the reigns during a latex scene. We also discussed no poop or pee. I unclothed and we went into the session. The Domme, who will remain nameless, covered me in a latex sheet on the floor. She did a little flogging through the latex on my genitals. It was cute but there was no latex bondage. Then she just pulled off her panties and peed on me. Yep. I was horrified and mortified. I got up and left. She was still trying to humiliate me by yelling at me to clean her mess up. Haha. I left and she had to clean up her own pee. I’m still traumatized by that session and it took a longtime before I ever sessioned again!
Haha!
MD
Maybe I’m too analytical about stuff like this, but I tend to think of the ‘No scat, no crossdressing” type qualifcations as low cost/high return type statements.
i.e. Saying it costs basically nothing. If you say it and it’s not necessary, then no harm done. But if you don’t say it and them something does come up mid-scene then you’ve got an awkward stop situation. So there’s no real downside and potentially a very large upside.
I remember seeing a domme where cross-dressing had never been discussed or mentioned and it wasn’t something I’d even thought about doing. Not really my thing. Then halfway through a session she had me get into some black stockings and suspenders. It turned out to be kind of cute to get caned wearing them, and it wasn’t really a big deal. But it did kind of throw me that she just kind of slid it in from nowhere. If I’d been dead against or she’d taken it further then it could have been a mood killer.
The no kids/no animals thing does amaze me however. I’ve actually seen that on domme’s web sites. Do they really have enough enquirers about it that they need to get it out there front and centre?
-paltego
@paltego
You’re not the only one, in this thread even, to describe the awkwardness that comes with veering into unexpected/undesired territory. Thing is, sometimes that happens and it totally works and you end up having a mind-blowing experience and maybe even a new love. What’s key, I think, is that the domme is attentive enough to know if it’s working or if it’s not and apply brakes/gas accordingly. I’d rather take that risk when inspired than constantly tread within the lines — no matter which side of the whip I was on.
@maledom
I agree that poop/kids/animals are automatic limits. The person whose email inspired this post actually stated “No blood” as a limit, but also said he liked needle play, which made me realize I’m not even sure what “no blood” means. Not MY blood (i.e. no ruby showers)? Or no cutting open his vein? (who does that?!?!). As for GS … I’ve turned too many guys on to GS to make that a default option (though, honestly, unless it’s specifically requested, I’m rarely inspired to do them lately). I’m a little sad you had such a rough introduction to GS. I wonder if the latex play had been more intense and pleasurable if you’d have been more forgiving of the pee misstep. Maybe you don’t like plain steamed broccoli but you love it when its drenched in cheese and butter and cream, y’know? When I’m introducing someone to GS, I like to do it almost like a gushing orgasm: lots of body contact, arousal, and unmistakable control. It’s hot. But it’s ok if you just wanna take my word for it. 😉
Guilty as charged MTO!
Force of habit on my part due to some physical limitations and a bad experience with a domme that I had not researched fully before a session that went badly.
I could see discussing limits or dislikes that include things a particular Domme doesn’t offer in certain instances. I would be trying to give her an overall impression of my interests/likes/dislikes etc rather than just trying to plan specific activities for that one session.
With a solid pro that has a good reputation, most of the obvious limits — like the ones you mention — do not need to be stated. Most good Dommes are unlikely to go own a cross dressing or scat path without an expressed desire by the client, so they hardly need to be a limit. Animals or children — who would ever believe that would even be possible? Not anyone with any actual experience, but maybe someone whose only “experience” is sitting in front of his computer. No blood, might also qualify as something that does not need to be stated, but the downside of not stating it and then ending up in such a scene, might be too great not to state it.
One hard limit I now state is no impact play to the head. No slapping, for instance. Eyes, ears, teeth … There’s just too many delicate parts there for me to feel comfortable, and it rips me out of headspace. But it is not an obvious limit, in fact, it is a fairly common practice for many dommes. Another is the ability to breathe. Breath play is fine, but not a gag or hood that prevents mouth breathing — that is another non-obvious limit that may be unique to me, so I state it upfront.
@downlow
Actual limits, like the examples you give, i.e. limits that are specific regardless of who you’re playing with, are not an issue and should always be expressed. Most of the time, I can exhale my impatience when someone gives me a general limit without considering me…but not always.
@furfan
There’s a difference between saying you enjoy, say, bondage, but aren’t really that into rope and introducing yourself with “I like bondage, flogging, and electroplay. My hard limits are cross dressing, scat, and blood.” Usually, whether he’s telling me his likes, loathes, or limits, I will follow up with questions about each so that I can understand what makes a scene fly or fail for him. Rather than think of it as “planning one session,” it’s more a “the more I know, the more I can do,” kinda thing. Especially because I hate being stopped mid scene with some “Oh, I can’t do gags!” block.
@gentlebob
I appreciate for many that it’s a matter of habit, or at least boilerplate. I only write my “About Me” intro once, after all. Fortunately, we both have enough experience to not be deterred and instead, continue the conversation … and our enthusiasm.
@MTO,
I think a lot of people repeat what they read or hear without thinking.. No blood, scat or kids. Maybe it was just a reflex response because that’s what he thinks he should say when writing to a Mistress. Then again, if someone reads up on your blogs, posts, website, etc… they would get a better idea of your playing style.
When this girl peed on me (yes, I will call her a girl) she just threw a latex sheet on me and started peeing. There was no conversation, there was no teasing, there was no sensuality, there was no intimacy, and ultimately there was no connection. She treated me like worm rather then like a fetishist/bondage enthusiast. However, I don’t blame her. I blame me for going to a house and for picking eye candy.
You make the GS sound sexy. Yes, I want arousal and body contact. If the moment is intimate and hot – I would expect you to gush and to take control. There’s something primal about the idea. That kind of connection and control is very intimate. Very hot… and… very sexy. Yes, I’m open to the idea. It just needs to be with the right person and we need to have the right connection. If that connection is there then I have no problem learning new things and expanding the playing field!