Got a burning question? Something BDSM-related that you’ve always wondered about or perhaps something you’ve wanted to ask me but wasn’t quite sure how? Now’s your chance. You can email me directly (AskMTO at TroyOrleans dotcom) or, if you prefer, ask me anonymously over on Formspring. I’ll pick the ones that most interest me and answer them here.
I’m guessing most of your clients are married men. How does that inform your personal view on men and relationships? Do you find it hard to trust men? Are you capable of giving and receiving love completely?
My only judgement when it comes to married men and play/sessioning is that sometimes I don’t think the men give their spouses enough credit as far as what their wives desire or what they might be open to as far as kink. I believe every marriage has room for some kink — perhaps it’s not the kind of heavy bondage, degradation, or skill-driven play typical of professional sessions — but with patience, communication, cooperation/accommodation, and an open heart, any couple can incorporate some kind of kink into their sex life.
As for my personal view: I think men are awesome. I am a philandrist through and through. While I do not embrace the “poly” lifestyle *at all,* I also don’t get too gripped up about monogamy/fidelity. If you’re asking if I can “trust men” because I know that some men see sex workers or are non-monogamous? *eye roll* First of all, “men” is not “my partner.” Any relationship I’m in, I make sure to talk honestly and in detail with my partner about ourand desires so that we can come to a realistic agreement that we can both live with happily and contentedly. In some of my relationships, there’s been an expectation of and mutual desire for fidelity, in others we’ve taken a more accommodating “live your life” approach (basically, don’t seek it out but if an exceptional opportunity arises, you do have a choice). Second of all, if there’s something that my partner desires that for whatever reason I am uninterested, unwilling, or incapable of fulfilling/servicing, I have no problem with him outsourcing that to a professional, be it a sushi chef, a stylist, or a sex worker.
The presumption that sex workers are somehow damaged or not “capable of giving/receiving love completely” just irks me. There are emotionally fucked up people everywhere, no matter what their profession. I love. I am loved. And I try to make sure that those whom I give love are worthy of that gift and are able to give back as richly.
“I love. I am loved. And I try to make sure that those whom I give love are worthy of that gift and are able to give back as richly.”
Such wonderful words to live life by! And philandrist…this early in the morning and you’ve learned me a new word. Before I clicked the link I just figured you got around a lot…
As a married former client of prodommes, I for one unconsciously looked to sessions to satisfy much more than an urge to scratch my kink. Once I got and understood that I’ve really embraced the idea that a primary relationship can accomodate some form of kink that I like. When I get that opportunity I trust I’ll be able to talk it all through with my partner.
While the poly thing has an intellectual appeal, what do we all do at Thanksgiving?
Thanks for the thought provoking Q&A!
Hi Ms. Orleans:
This is indeed a thought provoking post. I agree that many relationships can incorporate some type of sexual kink and that many married clients do not give their wives enough credit. If they tried opening up and being honest about what they deeply desire they might be surprised at the response they would receive. Unfortunately that can cut both ways. Some women are very open minded and will dig deep to give their love what he most desires. Others instinctively recoil from anything that even faintly resembles kink, especially if the macho man they thought they married wants to be on the bottom.
Marriage, as it turns out, is largely about raising children and building a happy home together. This often presents a challenge to the kinky lifestyle and friction between the two worlds can often arise. A kinky man has to realize that he is probably never going to have it all. His wife may be willing to try certain things but not others. The best thing he can hope for is that she will open the door at least a crack and display the quality of willingness. Will he be satisfied with what he as at home or outsource for he feels he is not getting? Will he be honest about outsourcing his needs or take the attitude that what his wife does not know will not hurt her? He will have to make choices and with every choice comes a consequence. There are few easy answers and lots of gray areas. You know. The usual! 😉
Nobody who has ever met you could doubt your capacity for giving and receiving love. I hope all is well with you.
All The Best
hmp
Marriages are incomplete for any number of reasons and it is not necessarily so that better communication will enrich a relationship in those areas where the parties might disagree or not wish to venture. That doesn’t stop the couple from loving, even if one has the urge to explore the outer limits alone or with someone else who might understand.