A specific and disturbingly painful incident over the weekend is the reason for this post. Before it happened, it didn’t occur to me that this needed to be said at all. Perhaps his disgustingly entitled behavior was an anomaly. I hope so. In case it’s not….
Those of you who play with me or even socialize with me professionally know I am protective of my personal identity. Whenever a play partner has inquired about my “real name,” I’ve always responded that I try to give so much of myself — by way of connection, emotional intimacy, and openness — in our scenes, on my blog, on Max Fisch, and in my communications that I have to keep something for me. I offer you the same unqualified respect: I never Google you or try to learn details about you, your life, your business, or anything online. I have always treated your privacy the same way I expect you to treat mine and trust that whatever you want to share with me, you will.
That said, sometimes some of you do end up knowing my real name. Whether it’s an administrative reason (e.g. a reservation), a social slip, or maybe you’ve just done some stalker-y sleuthing, it’s a bit of information you know. Understand, however, that there is a major difference between me telling you my name because you’re buying me a plane ticket and me sitting you down and saying, “We’ve known each other a while and I wanted to properly introduce myself to you. My name is ___.” Moreover — and this goes for dommes, too — unless we are in a situation where I’ve expressly indicated you should do otherwise, the name that you use with me or whenever you refer to me, whether I’m present or not, is some variation of Miss Troy Orleans. I don’t care how well we know each other.
Regardless of how you know my real name, if you do, you should know this: I consider it a significant betrayal, breach of trust, and violation of privacy if you use that information to delve into parts of my personal life. What I do, who I see, what I say or write or create outside of the studio or The Scene has no relevance, import, or anything whatsoever to do with you or our relationship. You crossing that boundary is NOT acceptable under ANY circumstances. If there is something you want to know about me, you ASK ME. I have always been honest and open with you … perhaps, at times, to a fault. Ask me anything: I will either tell you or tell you that I don’t feel comfortable sharing that information. But you give me the choice. You DO NOT seek it on your own. If you are currently doing so: STOP. No matter what your rationalizations or justifications are, I consider it stalking and a major act of disrespect and betrayal.
There is an abundance (3,782 posts on MaxFisch, nearly 200 blog posts, online interviews, published writing, advertisements, and a pretty thorough website) of public information about Troy Orleans to keep you busy, informed, and give you insight into who I am. “Character is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking,” and as a testament to your character and integrity, please respect my right to privacy and appreciate the exceptional access you already have to Troy Orleans.
*HUG*
Ms. Orleans:
Hi! I found your blog through the Client Nine and a Half blog penned by Advochasty (he links to my blog, too).
I was compelled to comment after reading this excellent post. IMO, you addressed this subject in a very restrained and courteous manner.
I say that because when I think about subs/clients/random internet wackadoodles cyber-stalking me and violating my privacy and boundaries, I become furious.
I’m a professional sadomasochist, and while I’m strictly a part-timer, I’ve had plenty of experience (unfortunately) with men who try, successfully or not, to dig around in my personal life and “approach” me about my identity and what I do on my own time.
I want to ask them: what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you lack even the most rudimentary skills of observation and etiquette? There is a REASON I don’t show my face on my blog. There is a REASON I don’t write about what I study, or the other places I work. I DON’T WANT YOU (or anyone) TO KNOW, and just because I have a blog and do this work does not mean that you are entitled to know everything about me.
The guys that do this have no filter and major entitlement issues. I know this, and yet I’m consistently amazed at the way they snoop and spy, and then (!!!) tell me about their snooping and spying, as if there was nothing creepy or offensive about it.
In contrast, I have NEVER violated a client’s boundaries, or google-stalked them, or contacted them when or where they did not want to be contacted. I don’t keep records or any personal information about them. It would never occur to me to do so. I understand and respect the potential risk they are taking to see me.
I’m sorry for what happened to you over the weekend, whatever it was.
Thanks for posting this.
You have an interesting blog! I’ll definitely read the archives.
Best,
Miss Margo
@Margo
Welcome to my blog! And thanks to Advo for the link!
The furious and indignant profanities were expressed already, believe me. It’s not that I don’t understand why men go all “Stan” on us…they feel as if we know them better or more intimately than anyone else because we know about this significant aspect of their identity. The sense of vulnerability that follows makes them seek balance. Knowing about our personal lives becomes currency: the more they know, the closer to us they feel or the more special that means they are. Conversely, I think we are better about respecting boundaries because we already know the most important and relevant thing about them. I think it’s also a matter of professionalism: if we got a reputation for being stalky or invasive, clients wouldn’t want to see us. (Not that I see clients I know have had boundary issues with other dommes in the past. I’ll even put off the ones who drop real names with me when they’re offering references.)
But knowing why it happens doesn’t justify it happening. There are plenty of men who manage to go their entire sessioning career being respectful of dommes’ boundaries and privacy.
Hope you’re enjoying the archives. Looking forward to checking out your blog! Do drop by anytime!
I am sorry to have seen this post. For a person as strong as you to feel it was necessary for all to see it must be a lot worse than it seems. Hope it all works out.
I’m very sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I’ve always been amazed and delighted at how much you share about your professional life and impressed by your insights on the scene. I hope that this will blow over without any further damage to your privacy and that it will prove to be an isolated incident. Remember, most people are basically decent in spite of the odd jerk that comes along.
@furfan
While my father is prone to growling, “Goddam people are no goddam good!” as he creeps into official curmudgeon territory, I’m still of a mind that people are basically okay. I’ve been treated better more often than bad. I’d asked another play partner who has a fair amount of access if he knew my name, quite certain that his professed devotion would inspire similar voracious behavior. His immediate “No!” and vehement assertion that my personal life is not his business was a welcome reassurance. Still, I figured better safe than sorry. Thank you for your support.
@heellvr
Thanks. There were no particular repercussions to his snooping, just the breach of trust and violation of my privacy, which is more than enough. What he did was the Internet version of walking into my apartment without my permission, looking around at my photos on the mantel, my scrapbooks, and reading my daily planner. How would you feel if someone from your office did that to you?
@aarkey
Thanks, darlin. Needed that.
Hi Ms. Orleans!
Thank you for your thoughtful response to my comment.
I concur with your observations.
I understand why men who meet me in this professional capacity are curious about me. The curiosity is completely normal and predictable. The activities I engage in with men are often tremendously meaningful and intimate to them. They are intimate to me, too, but seldom as personal. This results in a huge information asymmetry.
Boundaries are a crucially important topic in this industry, I’ve found. They want me to obliterate theirs (within a certain context, of course), and I have to rigidly maintain my own in order to protect my own well-being and keep my private and professional roles separate.
My only disagreement is that we “know the most important and relevant thing about them.” I think that many of my clients are epic compartmentalizers (hell, I am one myself) and that the secrecy surrounding their kink(s) magnifies the allure and potency–the importance–of their kink(s) all out of healthy proportion. Your personal experience may differ, of course.
I think that their sexuality SEEMS to them like their most relevant trait. But is it really…? I myself identify as a sadomasochist, and exploring that has been a big part of my adult life. It is only recently that I have begun to consider whether it’s that very special.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to talk about myself so much on your blog.
I am enjoying the archives. You are a talented writer.
Best,
Margo
P.S. Nice that you hipped me to “Stanning” (?). I feel cooler and more relevant already. HAAAHAHA–I’m such a square these days.
MTO, MTO, MTO
You picked such a good name!! People should be satisfied.
Respecting privacy is so important, especially in the scene. Societal attitudes are positively medieval. Privacy is personal and important. Sorry to hear that an incident caused you worry and concern. And yet you remain fundementally positive about the human condition.
An inspiration you are my dear Miss Troy Orleans!
Very well put…even though it seems like common sense & shouldn’t need to be spelled out.
I suppose some become obsessed with wanting to know more and/or just love the thrill of snooping. It’s no excuse and it is a violation of trust.
I wish you the best,
Mistress T
http://mistresst.wordpress.com