It’s not at all unusual for me to ask a client, “So, what are you in the mood for today?”It’s also not unusual for the client to respond, “Uh, I dunno. Whatever you’d like to do, Mistress.” While I appreciate the verbal carte blanche, the thing is … well, if there was something I was of a particular mind to do, I’d do it. I ain’t askin’ ya just to be polite.
Fact of the matter is, I’ve got a lot of stuff. There are innumerable things I am capable of doing with the gear I’ve got. If I may be so immodest, it’s a bit of an embarrassment of riches and it’s not always easy for me to just pick one. Or five. I also have a fairly active practice, so if I’m keen for a particular scene, the likelihood I have a client on my schedule who would *love* for me to do that with him is pretty high, too.
Part of why I bring this up is because I had a conversation recently with a craftsman that I’d been talking to about making something for me. I’d described for him what I was interested in and asked if he would enjoy making something like that. He said, “Troy, I have a lot of customers who commission me for all sorts of projects. If there’s something I want to do, it seems the person who wants it always finds me at the right time. So I just want you to have what *you* want. If I can make the thing that will make you happy, I will be happy.”
It was a revelatory moment for me, because he was able to articulate what I’d been feeling about the “whatever you want, Mistress” clients in my practice. I don’t think of my asking you what you want as being “service Domme-y” or indecisive: quite the contrary, actually. I’m giving you a say, which to me means that it’s mine to determine in the first place. And, mind you, just because you say, “Oh, I was really hoping you’d ____ and then stick ___ in my ____ and then ___ like ____ and then tie my ____ down and grab your ____ and ____” that I’m going to follow your script. Really, it’s more that you just point me in a direction and I drive the car til we get where we’re gonna go.
Does it feel like you’re “in control” (snicker) when a Mistress — or I — ask what you’d like to do? Do you have particular cravings for certain kinds of play or is it simply the escape/surrender/submissive feeling you seek? Is it more a pleasure to take that Nestea Plunge and see what happens? Tell me.
Intesting. With you I am always up for whatever you are because I know its going to work, be good for me. Still there are certain things I am always in the mood for but I don’t like to ask. With you its all good.
Going somewhat OT: With you it always feels like we are playing together as equals even though its a professional relationship and you are the domme and I am the sub.
With some others I don’t really want that feeling and am looking for something else.
I have a very hard time telling someone what I want. Maybe it’s the phrasing.
What I’d like… Maybe that would be easier.
I’m glad you wrote this though. It makes a lot more sense to me. In the past I’ve always been worried that an answer to questions like that would have someone doing something only for my benefit, not because it’s what she really wanted.
Considering your point. I can work my brain around it considerably easier.
For me, it’s the “Calgon take me away” kind of thing. My Dom is my boyfriend, so I sort of think, hey, you know the kinds of things I want, we talk about it all the time, just pick! I also know what you’re talking about, because sometimes he asks me, essentially, just what you’ve asked. When we’re on the brink of a “scene” (though I don’t think of it that way), I am already slipping into subspace and I really am not feeling up for articulating all kinds of things.
And yes, of course, there is the hesitance to say the “wrong” thing, to appear as though you are not in a place to bend to the Dominant’s will. I think axe is right–if it were phrased differently I might answer. Like, “what are you fantasizing about me doing to you,” or something. Then I might cough it up. 🙂
So in an ideal world any client would come along and be able to give you all the information you want. Then based on that you can create magical sessions and the client will walk away from the experience feeling so good that they create world peace and a cure for the common cold.
From my standpoint (my experience is very limited) this seems tough though, especially where the whole turn on is not knowing what is going to happen and passing control to someone who really knows what they are doing and facing the consequences. I have never met you but I also assume that the first few times there is an intimidation factor. This would seem not necessarily the best conditions for someone to open and tell there deep and dark fantasies.
Logically you are absolutely correct, your comments make sense and maybe writing it will give some clients the hint that they need to have some ideas before seeing you and be confident enough to give them to you. Also, on the bright side you have made a living from people walking in and giving that “I dunno” answer and being happy with the results so you must be doing something right 🙂
@anon
Personally, I like that collaborative feeling. We’re not antagonists, after all. Both of us want to have a good time, no? I know that mutuality/absence of strictness doesn’t work for everyone: sometimes it’s immensely satisfying just to do as you’re told. Sometimes I get in that mood myself. It’s a mashup.
@axe
Well, as I originally wrote, I ask “What are you in the mood for today?” and the answer I expect is something like, “You know, I’d like to do some really restrictive bondage.” Or, “I need a cathartic beating.” Or, “I’m feeling really raunchy and dirty.” Or, “I’m feeling kinda mellow and playful … nothing too intense.”
Sometimes it IS for your benefit, though, darlin. You should be okay with allowing her to give you a gift when you deserve it.
@sera
Welcome!
I hear ya on having the Calgon moment. Sometimes I love watching my play partner slide down the rabbit hole; but sometimes, I want to say, “Hey! Wait for me, dammit!”
When a client is new to me, I’ll ask what he’s been fantasizing about in anticipation of seeing me. It’s a better route to understanding what’s going on in his head since we’re not so familiar with each other.
I like your perspective!
@Fred
Hi! You’re new, too! Welcome!
I should have been clearer in explaining that my “What are you in the mood for today?” question is usually delivered to well-established clients whose interests, limits, and abilities I’m already well aware of. We’ve done a lot of that initial exploration: we know what’s on the menu. It’s just a matter — as the sample of expected responses I included above — of saying, “Fish, meat, poultry, pasta, or game.” Or omakase … but you’d better mean it.
It’s all in the delivery to be sure, but I’ve found I’m not as receptive to the “deep and dark fantasies” from newer clients as I am from the established ones. It’s really hard to explain, but I kinda get a reflexive, “Dude, you don’t know me well enough to be telling me these things.” Probably a lot of this depends on whether or not what he’s suggesting is something I’ve thought about doing myself or feel I’m capable of doing. But if he’s pressing his fantasies on me and they hit some of my boundaries, I get *super* sensitive.
None of it makes any sense, really. The only sure thing that works is just to follow my lead: If I ask what you’re up for, I want to know. If I don’t ask, you won’t get punished for not telling me.
Thanks for giving me the opening to articulate this.
Of course the client has specific fantasies and hopes, but at the same time, wants to trust you to do your thing. The important decision was in choosing you in the first place.
Finding the boundary between stating one’s preferences, and requesting too many specifics, is difficult for me, I’m forever worried about saying the wrong thing. Plus, although I’m hoping for certain experiences, I’m also hoping you’ll be completely in charge from the first moment I arrive.
I want you to be happy and enjoy yourself, and hopefully, perhaps even coincidentally, those things you choose to do will be those I would choose for myself.
Maybe, when your client gets a moment with you, they are so hungry that one delicacy sounds as appetizing as the next. When you walk into a restaurant after a five hour bike ride, everything sounds delicious.
A possible solution might be that you ask people to articulate their specific preferences at the very beginning of your relationship with them (much as you already do). Let them write out all their general and specific ideas, then assure them that you will hold onto that particular bit of prose, and refer back to it in the future. This way the client is relieved of having to tell his Dom what he wants, secure in the knowledge that she already knows. It can be left up to you to take what you know about someone, and build on that, and to draw inspiration from those carefully chosen words.
Saying what you want is a fine line. I find if you ask for way to many things, the domme starts saying you are topping from the bottom. Give to little, and the domme goes off on a tangent you may not like. I’ve never had a situation where a Domme said, “What do you want to do?” I think it would break that illusion that this is for both parties mutual enjoyment.